![]() |
I thought we could play a little game of see how many things of jello I made in preparation for my jello-eating day. |
I once again interrupt my
Vancouver stories to share pressing news. Trust me here - the airbnb
stuff is coming soon and you must tune in. It is pretty comical.
Especially after the fact. To be honest, I think a few of our
other yet-to-be-told adventures are somewhat unbelievable too. Enough
about that peeps, because I am a little slap happy from consuming an all liquid
diet today. Let's roll with it.
I
know you will find this exciting, but Monday Sept 30th I am having a
colonoscopy. Hot diggety - just what you wanted to hear about on your
Monday morning!
Unfortunately
this is not my first rodeo. For years, like before I was even married, I
saw a doctor who could NOT figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out
he was looking at the wrong angle. It wasn't until 2015 that I was
diagnosed with celiac disease when a different gastro dude bothered to perform
the more appropriate-for-my issues endoscopy. Since the prep is much easier, I would sign
up for one of those any day over the colon-nasti-oscopy.
![]() |
GoLytely (compliments: WellRx) - this stuff is the worst possible thing to consume. |
Reflecting
back on my first colonoscopy, I must admit that the stuff they made me drink
that first time was paramount to torture. It was called GoLytely. I
just googled it and was surprised that it still exists, because I am following
my doctor's orders and going with Miralax, Dulcolax, and your tough to swallow
because it is so CRAZY sweet -Magnesium Citrate. No need to go
with GoLytely people, and anyone who is still suggesting that drink as a prep for your procedure should be
shot. No exaggeration there.
I
was gagging on it back when I lived on my own in 1995 and was forcing myself to
gulp it down. The memory lives.
That
first colonoscopy resulted in this fun little post
about me being a bit groggy and misunderstanding what was on the
news. As long as we are poking fun (and poking other long tubes) at
colons - you may as well check it out. It is short - unlike my
colon. This is too easy, friends.
All
this jello ingesting has reminded me of college dining hall and the cafeteria
style restaurants at rest stops my folks used to stop at as we drove to Ohio to
compete in Irish dancing competitions. I thought there was nothing more
exciting than a little glass cup of jello cut into squares and topped with cool
whip. Am I right? Of course red jello is the best, and for whatever medical bull shit reason red jello is banned from my prep. How dare they take all the fun out of my jello-only diet.
![]() |
I have been at this clear diet thing all day. A moment ago I got some hunger pangs and I thought: 'Oh, great. I get to have some more jello.' I almost wept. |
Am
I the only person who went away to college (or entered adulthood) completely
(and I mean completely) clueless when it came to eating right? My mother
does not like much besides meat and potatoes, so that is all I was accustomed
to. I had never eaten a taco (Mom also does not do spicy) or a green
pepper or a vegetable that didn't come from a can for that matter. I
didn't know that cheese was fattening. Sugar - what was wrong with
sugar? It made everything better? Donuts - two on a plate as I
scooted my tray through the self serve line. Now we're talking! I
thought salad was a head of iceberg lettuce still wet from being rinsed,
sprinkled with some shredded cheese and maybe a bite of hard boiled egg after
having been divided up between about 5 of us and then drowned in French
dressing.
I made an abundance of jello in preparation for the test and I lost track of the number of times I practically had to arm wrestle one of my kids to fight them off as they tried to sample my jiggly stash. Note to self: next time I want them to clean their rooms, make jello!
Tomorrow (because today is Sunday -writing this while I still have strength) is the day. I hope to get answers. As in, why oh why do I often
wake up hours before my alarm writhing in pain - in the same damn place?
Do I need to start eating dinner at 2:00 in the afternoon so the pipes can be
cleared out before I crawl into bed? Unless they decide to keep me on a
liquid diet, how am I supposed to keep the pipes ultra clear?
I
have heard from the doc many times that it could just be that I eat too much
fiber. Perhaps. I do eat a lot of fiber now that I am gluten
free. I do not eat fake gluten free food (ie:
pasta, bread, cereal, cake). I prefer food to be naturally gluten free,
so that leaves me with oatmeal (which does have to be a pricey gluten free
brand), eggs, a kick ass cobb salad, meat, yogurt, certain protein bars, and
fruit. Repeat.
Anyway,
I hope for answers. I also hope that said answers do not come with any
kind of awful information. I look forward to it being over, because I am starving and the test is not until 12:30. That's a long wait. I also am feeling
drained. Literally. OK, OK, enough of the bathroom humor.
Speaking of the bathroom . . .