|I thought we could play a|
little game of see how
many things of jello I made in
preparation for my jello-eating day.
I once again interrupt my Vancouver stories to share pressing news. Trust me here - the airbnb stuff is coming soon and you must tune in. It is pretty comical. Especially after the fact. To be honest, I think a few of our other yet-to-be-told adventures are somewhat unbelievable too. Enough about that peeps, because I am a little slap happy from consuming an all liquid diet today. Let's roll with it.
I know you will find this exciting, but Monday Sept 30th I am having a colonoscopy. Hot diggety - just what you wanted to hear about on your Monday morning!
Unfortunately this is not my first rodeo. For years, like before I was even married, I saw a doctor who could NOT figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out he was looking at the wrong angle. It wasn't until 2015 that I was diagnosed with celiac disease when a different gastro dude bothered to perform the more appropriate-for-my issues endoscopy. Since the prep is much easier, I would sign up for one of those any day over the colon-nasti-oscopy.
|GoLytely (compliments: WellRx) - this stuff is |
the worst possible thing to consume.
Reflecting back on my first colonoscopy, I must admit that the stuff they made me drink that first time was paramount to torture. It was called GoLytely. I just googled it and was surprised that it still exists, because I am following my doctor's orders and going with Miralax, Dulcolax, and your tough to swallow because it is so CRAZY sweet -Magnesium Citrate. No need to go with GoLytely people, and anyone who is still suggesting that drink as a prep for your procedure should be shot. No exaggeration there.
I was gagging on it back when I lived on my own in 1995 and was forcing myself to gulp it down. The memory lives.
That first colonoscopy resulted in this fun little post about me being a bit groggy and misunderstanding what was on the news. As long as we are poking fun (and poking other long tubes) at colons - you may as well check it out. It is short - unlike my colon. This is too easy, friends.
All this jello ingesting has reminded me of college dining hall and the cafeteria style restaurants at rest stops my folks used to stop at as we drove to Ohio to compete in Irish dancing competitions. I thought there was nothing more exciting than a little glass cup of jello cut into squares and topped with cool whip. Am I right? Of course red jello is the best, and for whatever medical bull shit reason red jello is banned from my prep. How dare they take all the fun out of my jello-only diet.
|I have been at this clear diet thing all day.|
A moment ago I got some hunger pangs
and I thought: 'Oh, great. I get to have
some more jello.' I almost wept.
Am I the only person who went away to college (or entered adulthood) completely (and I mean completely) clueless when it came to eating right? My mother does not like much besides meat and potatoes, so that is all I was accustomed to. I had never eaten a taco (Mom also does not do spicy) or a green pepper or a vegetable that didn't come from a can for that matter. I didn't know that cheese was fattening. Sugar - what was wrong with sugar? It made everything better? Donuts - two on a plate as I scooted my tray through the self serve line. Now we're talking! I thought salad was a head of iceberg lettuce still wet from being rinsed, sprinkled with some shredded cheese and maybe a bite of hard boiled egg after having been divided up between about 5 of us and then drowned in French dressing.
I made an abundance of jello in preparation for the test and I lost track of the number of times I practically had to arm wrestle one of my kids to fight them off as they tried to sample my jiggly stash. Note to self: next time I want them to clean their rooms, make jello!
Tomorrow (because today is Sunday -writing this while I still have strength) is the day. I hope to get answers. As in, why oh why do I often wake up hours before my alarm writhing in pain - in the same damn place? Do I need to start eating dinner at 2:00 in the afternoon so the pipes can be cleared out before I crawl into bed? Unless they decide to keep me on a liquid diet, how am I supposed to keep the pipes ultra clear?
I have heard from the doc many times that it could just be that I eat too much fiber. Perhaps. I do eat a lot of fiber now that I am gluten free. I do not eat fake gluten free food (ie: pasta, bread, cereal, cake). I prefer food to be naturally gluten free, so that leaves me with oatmeal (which does have to be a pricey gluten free brand), eggs, a kick ass cobb salad, meat, yogurt, certain protein bars, and fruit. Repeat.
Anyway, I hope for answers. I also hope that said answers do not come with any kind of awful information. I look forward to it being over, because I am starving and the test is not until 12:30. That's a long wait. I also am feeling drained. Literally. OK, OK, enough of the bathroom humor. Speaking of the bathroom . . .