September 30, 2019

yay jello-to a point, not my first rodeo, seeking truth

I thought we could play a
 little game of see how
 many things of jello I made in
 preparation for my jello-eating day.
I once again interrupt my Vancouver stories to share pressing news.  Trust me here - the airbnb stuff is coming soon and you must tune in.  It is pretty comical.  Especially after the fact.  To be honest, I think a few of our other yet-to-be-told adventures are somewhat unbelievable too.  Enough about that peeps, because I am a little slap happy from consuming an all liquid diet today.  Let's roll with it. 

I know you will find this exciting, but Monday Sept 30th I am having a colonoscopy.  Hot diggety - just what you wanted to hear about on your Monday morning!

Unfortunately this is not my first rodeo.  For years, like before I was even married, I saw a doctor who could NOT figure out what was wrong with me.  Turns out he was looking at the wrong angle.  It wasn't until 2015 that I was diagnosed with celiac disease when a different gastro dude bothered to perform the more appropriate-for-my issues endoscopy.  Since the prep is much easier, I would sign up for one of those any day over the colon-nasti-oscopy.  

GoLytely (compliments: WellRx) - this stuff is
the worst possible thing to consume.
Reflecting back on my first colonoscopy, I must admit that the stuff they made me drink that first time was paramount to torture.  It was called GoLytely.  I just googled it and was surprised that it still exists, because I am following my doctor's orders and going with Miralax, Dulcolax, and your tough to swallow because it is so CRAZY sweet -Magnesium Citrate.    No need to go with GoLytely people, and anyone who is still suggesting that drink as a prep for your procedure should be shot.  No exaggeration there.  

I was gagging on it back when I lived on my own in 1995 and was forcing myself to gulp it down.  The memory lives.

That first colonoscopy resulted in this fun little post about me being a bit groggy and misunderstanding what was on the news.  As long as we are poking fun (and poking other long tubes) at colons - you may as well check it out.  It is short - unlike my colon.  This is too easy, friends.

All this jello ingesting has reminded me of college dining hall and the cafeteria style restaurants at rest stops my folks used to stop at as we drove to Ohio to compete in Irish dancing competitions.  I thought there was nothing more exciting than a little glass cup of jello cut into squares and topped with cool whip.  Am I right?  Of course red jello is the best, and for whatever medical bull shit reason red jello is banned from my prep.  How dare they take all the fun out of my jello-only diet.

I have been at this clear diet thing all day.
  A moment ago I got some hunger pangs
 and I thought:  'Oh, great.  I get to have
some more jello.'   I almost wept.
Am I the only person who went away to college (or entered adulthood) completely (and I mean completely) clueless when it came to eating right?  My mother does not like much besides meat and potatoes, so that is all I was accustomed to.  I had never eaten a taco (Mom also does not do spicy) or a green pepper or a vegetable that didn't come from a can for that matter.  I didn't know that cheese was fattening.  Sugar - what was wrong with sugar?  It made everything better?  Donuts - two on a plate as I scooted my tray through the self serve line.  Now we're talking!  I thought salad was a head of iceberg lettuce still wet from being rinsed, sprinkled with some shredded cheese and maybe a bite of hard boiled egg after having been divided up between about 5 of us and then drowned in French dressing.  

I made an abundance of jello in preparation for the test and I lost track of the number of times I practically had to arm wrestle one of my kids to fight them off as they tried to sample my jiggly stash.  Note to self:  next time I want them to clean their rooms, make jello!

Tomorrow (because today is Sunday -writing this while I still have strength) is the day.  I hope to get answers.  As in, why oh why do I often wake up hours before my alarm writhing in pain - in the same damn place?  Do I need to start eating dinner at 2:00 in the afternoon so the pipes can be cleared out before I crawl into bed?  Unless they decide to keep me on a liquid diet, how am I supposed to keep the pipes ultra clear?  

I have heard from the doc many times that it could just be that I eat too much fiber.  Perhaps.  I do eat a lot of fiber now that I am gluten free.  I do not eat fake gluten free food (ie:  pasta, bread, cereal, cake).  I prefer food to be naturally gluten free, so that leaves me with oatmeal (which does have to be a pricey gluten free brand), eggs, a kick ass cobb salad, meat, yogurt, certain protein bars, and fruit.  Repeat.  

Anyway, I hope for answers.  I also hope that said answers do not come with any kind of awful information.  I look forward to it being over, because I am starving and the test is not until 12:30.  That's a long wait.  I also am feeling drained.  Literally.  OK, OK, enough of the bathroom humor.  Speaking of the bathroom . . .   


Marie Smith said...

Hope it’s all over by now! With some helpful answers.

Cheryl said...

I so feel your pain. I had my last and I mean MY LAST colonoscopy this past May. I am one of seven, we have all had at least one if not more than one colonoscopy, with nary a polyp and I am done at 65! My next is supposed to happen in 10 years. Nope. Ain't gonna happen.

The (new to me) doc this last time left my lower belly pretty bruised. I carry extra weight there, meaning no flat belly for me. I blame it on the two female surgeries (fibroid removal and a hysterectomy due to Stage 2 uterine cancer)I have had where they literally cut me from below my belly button to right above my whoo haw, right thru my muscles. Anyway, during my most recent colonoscopy, I was having a nice twilight sleep when all of a sudden I could feel someone actually squeezing and kneading like bread dough, my lower belly. It hurt like a sonofabitch! I actually woke up and began to moan. The damn nurse said "the doctor is almost thru, he needs to get a good picture, hang in there, blah, blah blah." I wanted to hit somebody, hard! That's when I made the "no more hose up my butt for me" decision!

Enough about me. I hope they find out exactly what is causing your pain and they can make it stop. Pain sucks and saps everything out of the body. Best of luck with your results. I hope that afterwards, you got something good to eat and had a nice log nap. Take care of yourself!

Gigi said...

I hope your procedure went well and that the results are clear. If my husband's recent procedure is any indication of how things have changed; you probably weren't as groggy afterward this time around.

Ernie said...

Yes, over. Answers - well, what is that they say no new is good news? He thinks it is just IBS. He is giving me a prescription to try if I have pain in the middle of the night. Instead of being awake for hours, I can take a pill and it stops the motions of the colon so it calms the Hell down. We shall see.

Ernie said...

I do not blame you for calling it quits. I swear after my first on in 1995 I was NEVER going to have another one, but the prep has gotten so very much more tolerable. Still unpleasant, but in the 90's - pure horror.

My pain is almost exclusively at night when all the motion of the ocean stops. I do not have the runs or cramping. Feels like a hot poker in my lower left colon. Hoping this medication for IBS helps.

Ernie said...

True - not overly groggy. It was a royal pain not to be able to drive the rest of the day though. I wasn't thinking when I scheduled and I should not have done this on Coach's late night. I am begging rides galore tonight.

The doc thinks it is IBS, but I did find it interesting that he told me they had to up my knock out drugs (can't spell annestesia? - see) when he pushed the instrument around the corners of my colon because I was starting to become uncomfortable. SEE!!! Why? Why are the damn walls of my colon so sensitive? All of a sudden. I feel like IBS is kind of a catch all and not a true diagnosis. There are worse outcomes though. For sure!

Kari said...

I am DREADING my first colonoscopy not because of the actual procedure but because of the prep.
I am glad it's behind you now (pun intended).

Ernie said...

Ha! The prep is not fun, but SO MUCH easier than decades ago. Best to have an early start time on the day of the test because I was pretty damn hungry by the time test began at 12:30!!!

Beth Cotell said...

I got lucky and instead of an actual colonoscopy this year, I just sent in the sample. I hope you were able to eat a nice big meal last night to make up for the liquid diet. And jello is the WORST!!!! :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

I had my first colonoscopy this year, and the prep is way better than what I've heard it used to be. I lived on jello and natural frozen fruit bars. I hope all went well for you, and it's nothing serious, but you can get some relief. I was laughing at the food you ate while growing up. Sounds better than my diet of sugary cereal, coke, fried bologna and whatever I could prepare at seven years old. :)

Ernie said...

I do love jello - to a point! I had a bit of leftovers and never got to nap as I had to arrange rides for kids places. Tank was being an ass and would not leave golf practice 15 minutes early to drive Curly to dancing. A friend of mine since 2nd grade who has not kids and is not married came to the rescue. She helped drive a lot back when I lost my license for too many speeding tickets. I owe her one!

Ernie said...

yes, the results were 'all clear' - but the doc noted that even moving the instrument thru my 'turns' made me require additional sedation. So - that helped because I think he now gets that I am not crazy. Like my pain when 'stuff' moves thru there is real. Almost exclusively at night. Going to try the pill he prescribed for IBS to see if it is contractions at night that are causing it. I was bummed to use my dayoff for that, but I just found out that the kids I was supposed to sit for tomorrow are sick so I get a bonus day off. I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!

Bibliomama said...

Ugh, I hope you get some helpful answers. And seriously, they called that stuff GoLytely? That is hideous and hilarious at the same time - someone must have been terribly impressed with themselves.

Ernie said...

There is nothing light about it - your insides pour out of you at a rapid pace. It is the worst.