When things implode with the girls: an emergency vent session

Things at home with the two girls got really sticky last night. To put it mildly. I'm sort of at a loss and I thought until we get to our family therapy appointment in a few hours, I don't know who to call. I thought I'd share with you. I'm not expecting anyone here to solve our issue. But a good old fashioned vent session might help.  

The girls had a choir concert last night. Reg had volleyball and Curly had travel b-ball practice about 25 minutes from home after her soccer practice. Coach works late, but was juggling patients so he could help with the driving/be at part of the choir concert. 

Kay and Rae got their haircut on Wed evening. They both spoke to the woman who lives like 10 houses away, hello convenience. They explained what they wanted, and the lady gave her own suggestions. The haircuts are so cute. She convinced both girls to do very subtle layers. And Kay to have her hair thinned out. She gave me some suggestions for the best product for them. 

When she blew Rae's hair dry, it looked amazing. It was parted down the middle, but when left down it was light and fluffy. The woman told Rae it was a very attractive look, much softer than when she pulled it back. That was a good word for it:  softer. 

Kay has a lot of body in her hair and the woman gave her some ideas about how to work with it in the mornings so she could wear it down and it wouldn't poof out.

Yesterday morning, I helped Kay wet and scrunch her hair per the hairdresser's suggestions. Rae reverted to severely yanking her hair down to put it in her usual low pony tail. Before the haircuts, Rae admitted she REALLY needed a haircut. "Look how long it is! I think I'll get it cut to here." She demonstrated by rolling her hair up and under. We googled photos and she seemed excited. She showed the woman what she was thinking and the woman said, "Good, I was thinking the same thing."

After school I was scrambling to make a really good meal. I felt like I'd phoned it in all week. I told the girls to get started on homework, because they needed to be at the school for the choir thing around 6:30. Kay does homework in the dining room, off the beaten path. She popped into the kitchen a few times. "I don't know how to do my math." I suggested she work on something else first. "Who's coming to watch us?" "I think I'll do my hair like this for the show." I still had one 18 month old hanging out in the family room waiting to be picked up and I was glued to the stovetop. #spreadthin

I'd been on hold with the doc for a long time in the afternoon because Reg's new meds give him headaches. Embracing this new 'normal' - try a med, how long do we have to try a med before we know, and calling him out of school late afternoon so he could come home and nap and grab his epilepsy pills because his volleyball tournament was expected to end around 8:30 pm. Plus, I had an appointment with the neurologist that we had to move. 

Meanwhile, Coach and I were texting to map out the driving, because we'd both forgotten about Curly's b-ball practice. If I drove her with the girls in the car (and there was no one for them to stay home with), then they'd be a little late for the performers' arrival window. Have I mentioned that I can 't wait till college kids are home to pitch in with the driving? One more week. 

Basically I was distracted. I needed to finish the dinner so I could be ready to run to school and get Curly from soccer practice. I told Kay, "Just do your homework. We can figure that out later."

She mouthed off to me as she walked into the dining room. I called her back. Rae was in the family room doing her homework and she hollered at me, "Just ignore her, she said like one thing. Leave her alone."

I told her to stay out of it and Kay walked in from the dining room and told me, "She has by back. Leave her alone." 

I told both of them they were this close to missing the choir event. I told Rae to stay out of it. I will not have someone be disrespectful to me. Nope. Answering back is an ongoing issue with Kay. I asked her what she was supposed to be doing. "Homework." Then do your homework and we will talk about how to do your hair for the show later. 

I texted Coach. I was hot. He said, Ask them to apologize before you serve them the nice meal you made, or they can eat PB&J. *I wasn't going to serve them a different meal, but I did ask before dinner:  "Before we sit down to eat, is there anyone that thinks they owe me an apology?"

I missed a varsity soccer game for Curly the night before because the hairdresser rescheduled to a time during her game. She never plays, because she didn't play last year? Because she misses some games on weekends for travel ball? I like to joke that I'm gonna call up the AD. That's post lawsuit humor and I get lots of mileage out of it. It's fine, but there's another girl who starts on varsity soccer and also misses for b-ball on the weekends. She played last year, but isn't this a new year? 

Anyway, the game was far away, and I contemplated going after haircuts but decided I'd miss most of the game. Of course, Curly played the entire game and shut down their best player with her this-is-what-I-do-in-b-ball-I-defend defense. It went to overtime and then to shootouts. It was crazy long and Curly got a scratch/bruise just below her right buttocks that was really ugly. I would've seen so much of the game if I'd have gone because it was maybe the longest game in the history of everything. 

I asked Rae if she'd consider wearing her hair down for the choir thing. "It's so pretty, even the hairdresser said that and it isn't a full school day so a good time to give it a try, and it would look a tad fancier for your show."

Rae:  It's outside my comfort zone. 

Me:  I know, that's why I'm thinking do it for this 1 little show. I know the choir director would love it.

She asked me to help her and I did. We took it out of the pony and we wet it to get the dent from the ponytail out of it. I blew it dry a little. Curly told her how nice it looked. 

I dropped them off early for the show and then drove Curly. Coach texted to say he was home and we could go together. Then I called my mom to see if she wanted to go watch the choir thing (this was admittedly incredibly last minute but she doesn't like to go many places lately), and she didn't. My dad got on the phone to ask Coach about Mom's shoulder exercises. So, we were a minute late to the show. 

Coach snuck out towards the end to get Curly. I stayed. We videoed the girls. Afterwards, Rae plowed right past me in the hallway where I was standing along the wall with the other parents. She was with her friend, also named Rae. I called to her and she kept going, waving me off. I asked her where Kay was. "I don't know." She went into the gym with R. 

Then Kay came along, "Can we go to Culvers?" I said no. She pestered, and I said Not tonight. Then we went toward the gym and I waved Rae over. I made like I was heading to the door and she was like, BUT I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. She wanted to go to Starbucks with R's parents. They'd invited her. Nope. 

*There was a choir thing a few months ago that I attended - always on Tu/Thurs when Coach works late. The girls begged to go with R's parents to Culvers and I let them AFTER we'd eaten refreshments in the hallway and it was a school night and it was a disaster. I was not sleeping at the time and I ended up having to drive up to Culvers to grab them because R's mom is very permissive and thinks everything her kid does is cute and we were not on the same page as far as bedtime. Never mind homework - we'd been at the choir thing for like 2 hours. Enough already.

The girls were ticked. I told them the show was great as we walked to the car. Asked what songs they liked the best, etc. When we got home, Kay started to do her math homework. More attitude. Rae tried to tell me something was a cube, but it wasn't. Rae was getting very territorial with Kay's homework - this is a new thing. Rae can't stand Kay and usually tells her she's annoying vs being helpful.

I looked at Ray and told her VERY calmly even though my brain was screaming, I'm not sure why the attitude. I wasn't the reason you weren't in math today (she missed it because of choir rehearsal and kids in her academic situation should probably never do that). I couldn't help you earlier. I'm offering to help you now.

After awhile, when she continued to be difficult and angry that I was helping her, I sent her to bed. The crazy thing is - she was willing to go to Culvers and wouldn't have had time to do homework, but the fact that she wasn't getting to do it because I decided we were wasting time while she was being pissy - then she was mad it wasn't going to be done? What now?

When Coach got home from driving Curly, we called Rae into the study and I told her that it was hurtful that she didn't come and talk to be after the show. "I came to watch you." 

Rae:  R's parents came to watch me. (these parents are nice people but they don't get it and when I text her back something, like a reason why Rae can't hang out - she tells her R things that I wouldn't normally tell a child, or she'll jump thru hoops at the girls' orders, like:  Text Ernie this and tell her we can do this. Nice people, but really clueless and I'm bout to have a conversation with her). 

Recently Rae told me that R's family is like family to her. Um, what? Did they drive 45 minutes on their anniversary to get your tooth pulled? Did they go to 6 different stores to buy shoes that fit you and buy you a second pair just because you wanted them (club feet aren't easy to shoe shop for)? Did they buy you a period bathing suit so you can still swim? Did they take you to a dress rehearsal of a show for a cousin who's show you were gonna miss when we were on vacation even though it was the night before vacation? 

She didn't like it when I said, No. They aren't like family. If you think that, then you don't know what family is. 

Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say, but holy shit. Who drives you to therapy? Who tells you that the girl that called you fat is not to be trusted and doesn't deserve your friendship? OK, I'll stop there. You get the point.

I broke down and cried when she acted like she didn't care that I came to the show and she didn't care that she plowed past me. Then it got ugly. Coach sent her to bed and both girls sat up in their room crying and talking smack about us. 

Coach and I went in there and said, We have expectations and rules and that's how we operate, but when we have fun - we have fun. We enjoyed your show and we were sad that the evening ended the way it did and we love you both.

Later Curly came down and said they were still up there ranting. I listened outside the door and Rae was saying that we hurt their egos, that we took her confidence and that they need to stick up for themselves. What's this?

I went in and asked for clarification. Rae:  I HATE MY HAIRCUT. I HATE IT. 

I pointed out that she told the hairdresser what she wanted. The hairdresser had shown her how to deal with her cowlick near her part and suggested she move one piece over but I had nothing to do with that and she can flip it right back the way she wants. What on earth? Coach's mouth just hung open. "We told you your hair looks so pretty. So did the lady. I don't understand?"

Off to family therapy. Fortunately we had this scheduled with myself and Rae. We are supposed to address her lack of self awareness and immature behavior when she is with friends. She wanted to go to the conference track meet next week and I said probably not. She didn't qualify but could go to hang out and cheer. I've seen her at these events and she turns into a 4 year old. 

We were going to take both girls today, but I feel like Rae's issues are so different than Kay's that I think I'm just gonna take Rae. I'm making Coach cancel patients to attend this session (he does sessions sometimes but this one wasn't supposed to include him). In almost 27 years of marriage, I don't think he has ever cancelled patients. 

Please say a prayer for us, and if you don't pray positive thoughts are welcome. Like I always say, these kids don't come with a handbook. We are far from perfect, but we are TRYING so hard.

*Oh, and my SIBO has been a bit more 'active' lately and less dormant. Guess who slept all of 2.5 hours last night.