My guess is there isn't anything I can or should do with this situation. It's par for the course. Do I need to just throw my hands up and keep my mouth shut? Keeping quiet - not easy for me. Plus, if I'm throwing my hands up, my middle finger might fully extend.
Setting the scene: My dad asked Mini to go to lunch with he and 'O' on Monday. 'O' is my brother Pat and Aunt Leprechaun's daughter. O and Mini are the same age.
Way back: I babysat for O for a few years when her mom was doing her residency, and they lived down the street from our first house. Mini had just turned a year and O was 8 months when she started getting dropped off 5 days a week. The two of them were like sisters.
Aunt Leprechaun and I were tight. We walked together through our neighborhood regularly. When the girls were about to start school, my folks handed Pat listing sheets for houses in nearby Fancy-Pants town. I was confused. Leprechaun and I had always talked as if our daughters would attend the Catholic school that my older boys attended - right across the street from our neighborhood. I asked Leprechaun if they were moving. Nope, the listing sheets were my folks' idea. My parents' thought Pat's kids should attend the same high-falutin, snobby Catholic school in the town of Ye With Fanciness in Ye Pants.
I discovered Pat and Leprechaun were moving when I saw a for sale sign in their yard. Talk about a smack-a-roo right in the face. I was the last to know. Ouch.
Sidebar: I always wanted to live in the town my brother was moving to. Every few years, I would drag Coach, kicking and screaming, to open houses for itty-bitty, teeny-tiny homes over there. I was drinking my parents' Kool-Aid.
Sidebar to the sidebar: Back when I was in grade school, I never fit in at the hoity-toity Catholic school that I was now gravitating towards. I was scoffed at for wearing clothes sans alligators (aka Izod). I had very few friends. My folks convinced us that this was THE school. This was THE town. Ann's kids went to that school. My brother, Mike, intended to send his younger kids to that school (and eventually he bought a teardown enormous home and sent his kids to THE school). Meanwhile, Coach and I were living in a regular town and our kids were attending a regular Catholic School, with only a few uppity types.
Coach on attending open houses: Ernie, this house is twice as much but half the size of the house we currently live in. A house that we are busting at the seams in AND we are having another baby soon.
His non-hormonal, no Kool-Aid brain prevailed. We stayed where we were. But when we were about to put an addition on that first house, I hopped online to look again at what houses were for sale in 'Prestige' Springs. I found one. It was the right size. Could we? Maybe? It was still about 100K above what we could afford, plus it needed a ton of updating. It sold before I could convince Coach.
Imagine my surprise when I pulled up to Pat and Leprechaun's new house . . . it was THAT house. (scene from a movie, right?) The one in need of lots of work and still out of our price range. Pat and Leprechaun complained that they'd hoped for a move-in ready home, but his bonuses weren't what they once were. They'd be slumming it in the house I drooled over. The one I couldn't afford. They gutted it. Of course.
Back to the present day scene: I asked Mini how the lunch was.
Mini: His agenda was clear. He wants O and I to be better friends. He wants us to spend more time together.
This is a nice idea, but the girls are old enough to choose who they spend time with. They get caught up at family parties, etc. O is an introvert, Mini not so much. Mini admitted that she could spend more time with O. "I used to love going to their house for fiddle lessons. I like O. We just do different things, have different interests." One of the cousins needs to work, if you catch my drift. O didn't get into ND, which was shocking. I wonder if my dad thinks they'd be closer if O attended ND.
*BTW - that school that they moved to be closer to? The snotty girls in O's grade texted her in 6th or 7th grade: WE WANT TO BE FRIENDLY WITH YOU, BUT NOT FRIENDS. O was without friends. Aunt Leprechaun started inviting Mini over whenever she had free time. We worked to get the girls together whenever we could.
(background, in case you weren't reading 2 years ago: When Lad was in 8th grade, my dad told him that he'd never get into ND, but that all of Pat's kids would because they were so smart. Rough stuff, right? Then O didn't get in. My dad stopped donating to the university, so he can't help get me score extra football tickets. Whatev'. It's fine, but the mindset - not so much). 
Look at how amazing our deck looks after
Coach power washed it in time for the
party. Since this pic,
someone seems to have cut
the lights with a scissors. Was it
an animal? So weird.
Then Mini explained that when Dad drove her home, he told her that Ann, Marie, and Pat are pressuring my folks to sell their house (that's less than a mile walk from my home) and move into a very nice retirement place. My grandparents lived years ago. Apartment style, with dinner provided in a dining room. Uncle Mike lived there when he moved here from Texas and he had a wonderful experience, making many friends in the short time he was there.
Mini suggested to Dad that they ask the woman who currently comes 2x a week to help them to come more often.
Dad: I can't really afford that. I just found out that my leukemia pill is no longer covered by insurance. It's gonna cost me $7k a month to keep taking it. I'll probably just stop taking it. I really miss my brother.
Mini teared up telling me this. There is a lot to unpack here.
Not sure why it has taken me so long to recognize that Dad has no filter. He says whatever he wants and doesn't consider his audience. I'd like to point this out to him, but he's 84. While he's been like this FOREVER, I don't think he's gonna change or give two shits if I point out how his approach is often:
NON-EF-ING-SENSICAL.
I'm upset that, as per the usual, I'm not part of the moving-mom-and-dad-to-a-retirement-home conversation. My vote, if I had one, would be to keep them in that house for as long as possible. Mom has Alzheimer's and I think it helps that she knows her surroundings. I fear that moving her now will cause her to lose ground quickly. I'm sure one can argue that if she moves while she still has some memory, maybe she'll adjust better.
I would LOVE to ask my dad if he ever thought to have a similar conversation with my sisters, as in: Why don't the two of you spend more time with Ernie?
I think it's nuts that he's gonna hold cousins to a different standard than his own children. I'm not interested in spending time with Drizella and Anastasia. They deserve each other. But - does it bother him that they exclude me? They never recognized Reg being cut from the team, never asked how he was managing. They didn't go out of their way to welcome the two girls we are adopting either. Never once called to see how it was going. They stopped talking to me after the hilarious true story I wrote was published. (on top of everything, they're humorless)
I don't have an answer to the medication situation, but really - that's something you share with a grandchild before you share it with your own daughter?
Thoughts? Suggestions? Say nothing? Ask my dad why I haven't been consulted on the possibility of them moving? Gently remind him that Mini and O are old enough to choose friends? Ask if that same sentiment was ever considered for his own offspring? Ask if he is really gonna stop taking his chemo pill?
Oh boy, your Dad really opened many cans of worms.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost - Ernie - you are awesome, You have a great family, and you are doing marvelous things. You need to stop looking for validation for what happened in the past and letting this stuff bother you. Because you can't change the past of how your dad and mom are. And you've talked to them about it before and you know it never changes in the long run. And It stinks, because you are a great daughter and care so much.
2) Your Dad obviously thinks that he knows everything and he doesn't. Tell Mini to roll her eyes. And you should roll your eyes. Why even bring it up? Sorry if Miss O has no friends, but that's something she needs to negotiate on her own. and goodness knows I bet she never asked her grandfather to intervene.
3) His chemo drug - he's just depressed about his brother and life. I bet his doctor can come up with an alternative or some sort of discount. Whoever is in charge/helps your parents with the medical stuff should look into that.
4) I'm sort of on team "Move your Mom while she has a chance to make new memories". I saw what my sisters had to do to help my dad in the last year of his life (and they were happy to do it !) but it was all helped by the fact that my parents had moved to a senior community years earlier, so the house was smaller, it was accessible, and they had many years to settle in before things got a little off. However, your parents have to make that choice. I can see staying in place as long as they have help. And there is family nearby. So no help there.
I think your parents view you as someone who's very independent and resilient, and so you don't need so much attention. They don't seem to realize that someone resilient can be very sensitive as well. (and your sister view you as the annoying little sister because some things never change. You'll be the little sister until you are old and gray!)
So that's my off the cuff, completely unprofessional, random stranger on the internet therapy/diagnosis for the day.
I hope you can bounce back and shrug your shoulders and have a good day at the pool!
Is your father taking care of your mother by himself? That’s a lot for an 84 YO. I’m not sure what to think about all that. My husband doesn’t speak to two of his siblings, which results in our kids having nothing to do with those cousins. Besides the grandparents’ funerals, they haven’t seen them in 10 years and not really spent time with them in 20 years. They’re all adults now and my opinion is, if anyone had interest, they can look them up. Your daughter should do what she wants.
ReplyDeletembmom11 - Wow. Well said. I think your advice is solid and while you may not have a therapy degree, I think your view is very clear and helpful. I don't need their validation, at least I don't think I do. I do hate that I'm on the perimeter, but I also would rather be on the perimeter than jockeying for position among my siblings. I appreciate your perspective on moving them now or soon. I can see that angle. I know my mom - she loves her house and the many little decorations, photos, special touches. Maybe part of me cannot imagine them not living there, or them not being walking distance from me. The place they might move to is a 15 minute drive from me. Not terrible by any stretch, but certainly not in my backyard as they essentially are right now. His request that the two girls be closer friends is a sweet request, but not like they don't care for each other. Perhaps in another season of life - after college if they live near one another or after they are married with kids, who knows. Still so odd that he thinks he should get involved. His heart might be in the right place, but I disagree with his delivery. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBijoux - My mom is still doing fine - she still goes for walks by herself. She changes bedding, cleans the house. She showers and does laundry and dresses herself. She unloads and loads the dishwasher. She bakes cookies. I guess what I'm saying is that she isn't at the stage where she requires him to do everything for her. He leaves to go to lunch and she prefers to stay home, and she is fine staying home alone. I know this will not always be the case, but she still knows all of us. My siblings and I are over there fairly regularly and we all call frequently. They have a woman come to the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She takes Mom to the grocery store and helps around the house.
ReplyDeleteMy kids enjoy their cousins. I think there are a few cousins they will probably drift from over time, but overall they all get along. I agree, if they want to see one another, then they will. They all know where one another is and how to get in touch with each other.
I would do nothing. You already know your family is the way it is, and you have already made peace. It sounds like maybe your dad and sibs don’t realize how included you would like to be because you re so smart and capable and confident.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bijoux and Sarah. You cannot change the things you cannot change. You can only control your own reactions to these things. Your family isn't going to change, this is who they are, and who they are may be not palatable to those of us on the outside looking in, but they are who they are. Everyone is an adult here, they can choose their own paths.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Bijoux said. Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you'll be connected in real life.
ReplyDeleteWhat Nicole said.
ReplyDeleteI went through so much of this already with my own family; the amount of coincidence is downright odd and scary. "Playing the role of Ernie will be Nance."
Do yourself the favour that I didn't do early on--Let Go. You don't want to be me and where I am right now at my age. Let Go Now.
Okay wow. Do you think your Dad wants O and Mini to be closer because that's what O's parents have expressed?
ReplyDeleteAbout the meds...my dad (turning 84 very soon!) is on an expensive med for his lungs, and my parents had to fight with insurance/the drug company and it took awhile but they got it down to an affordable price. I can ask them for more details if you want, I just know it's possible.
The whole ND conversations and then O not getting in is some funny karma for sure!
That IS a lot to unpack. I believe that at your father's advanced age, there is no talking sense into him. He thinks how he thinks. He see's everything/everyone in his own vision. Sad.
ReplyDeleteSo much dysfunction in your upbringing and your siblings still today. *sigh*
The price for the RX is outlandish! Surely there has to be a way to get it at a more affordable price.
Also, the cicada was disturbing. 😳
Ditto to all the great advice here Ernie. I’m finding with my own dad that is just about impossible to change him or his point of view at this point in life. He lives next door to my sister and, increasingly, I can see his care taking more and more time, so I would also think that a residential move may be a good idea. But I would also talk to an Alzheimer’s specialist for advice on moving away from the familiarity of home. I cannot understand how a leukaemia drug can suddenly not be covered by insurance, so would definitely want to be fighting that. Our NHS is chronically underfunded and slow at the moment, but your healthcare system seems absolutely outrageous!
ReplyDeleteSarah - Thank you. I guess I need to remember that when someone shows me who they are, believe them. I think I've made peace with the way my family operates, but the way they do things sometimes still annoys me. Good thing my people keep me as busy as they do. I don't have lots of excess time to dwell on this stuff.
ReplyDeleteNicole - I should probably print your comment out and hang it on my bathroom mirror. I can only change how I react to the things I cannot change. I think that is also true in other areas of my life, ie the little girls. I need to work harder at my reactions to all.the.things. Thank you. I appreciate this and I needed to hear it.
ReplyDeleteAlly - Very true. I had a little framed quote/saying in my kitchen once that said something like friends are the family you choose. So true.
ReplyDeleteNance - I am dying laughing at Playing the role of Ernie will be Nance. Bah ha ha. Well, I'm sure sorry that you've experienced a similar issue. The next time I'm driving thru Cleveland we should meet for lunch. ;) There are so few people that know what it is like to have this specific family dysfunction. I'm gonna try harder to LET.IT.GO.
ReplyDeleteColleen - I am positive that O's parents did not make that request. O struggled socially in grade school, but she has friends now.
ReplyDeleteI do think that they will figure something out with his med. I know he's had to fight for meds before, so I believe they know the process. I appreciate the offer though. My guess is he is tired of fighting that sort of thing.
Karma - for sure!
Suz - There is so much dysfunction and I think the crazy thing is that my family of origin believes so strongly that they are the ideal family. You are probably right. My dad is not about to change how he sees things now. The RX is ridiculous and my guess is they will figure something out. My dad is probably tired of arguing with the insurance company. The cicada on the butt - they just cling to the same place for so long. Ha!
ReplyDeleteCharlie - Yes, I agree. He is too old to change his thought process now, although - I've been surprised at a few of his more recent shifts in perspective. I do think someone outside the family might be the one to guide us in what is typically the best time to move someone while struggling with Alzheimer's. Everyone in the family has their own point of view and they all think they are right. I'm not sure having them stay there is best or not, but I'd rather we consult someone who knows a thing or two. Insurance is super frustrating. :(
ReplyDeleteThere is so much wisdom in this comment section. I love the support network you have here. I hope you find what you need here and that it helps you make a decision. Sending you love. 😘❤️
ReplyDeleteErnie I thought I’d commented but guess I didn’t save it. I agree with many other commenters here. It’s an ongoing internal battle, but letting go of things we cannot change and other’s opinions of us (when they aren’t helpful) is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. You are awesome & did so many wonderful things. Too bad some of your family don’t see it.
ReplyDeleteI would also lean towards doing nothing. It doesn’t seem like it would change anything and would probably just bring you more stress and frustration. When I was in therapy in 2020 due to conflict in my family over how covid was handled (I was very high risk so followed the rules and guidance of my medical team and was ostracized for this decision) I worked on what my therapist referred to as ‘radical acceptance’. I was so upset over comments that were made and my therapist emphasized that holding onto that hurt was worse for me so I had to accept that they felt they were saying and doing the right things. And we worked on boundary setting. It is hard to not be included in the convos about your parents’ potential move. That should be a family discussion.
ReplyDeleteUgh, is all I have to say. And I agree with the sentiment I see here, to LET IT GO. Easier said than done, but not impossible. I'm sorry that your family is so dysfunctional.
ReplyDeleteWith your dad's meds, I guess maybe I would remind him of how he has had to fight this fight before. He's 84, maybe he's starting to forget these things as well? But if he's mentally capable of taking care of it himself, I would let that stress go as well.
My father was always so sad that I wasn't close to my same-aged, same-sex cousin on his side as I was with my cousin on my mother's side and it was so hard to manage his expectations. And then I stopped caring. LOL. I think I'm hardened to family drama at this point. I would not step in at all. You can only control what YOU can control, you know?
ReplyDeleteKari - So true - this is a very wise group that has assembled. Now if I can only move on and not let family members' actions impact me. Thank you.
ReplyDeletePat B - Sorry your comment disappeared. I appreciate you circling back. Yep. That seems to be the consensus. Let it go. I feel like so much of what they do is easier for me to ignore or laugh off - I think it helps that I have my own offspring and husband who see it clearly. That makes all the difference. Sometimes I still get irked. I guess letting go is easier said than done across the board.
ReplyDeleteLisa - Eek - I'm sorry you had to cope with that. If someone had told me in advance about an upcoming pandemic and how divisive it was going to be, I don't think I ever would've believed it. Boundary setting is good. I think I've gotten better at that. I've been better overall about issues with my family, largely because my own kids weigh in/see and hear things and they are very supportive of me. I do sometimes still get my undies in a bunch. I agree, a decision to move my folks should involve all of us. We surprised my mom a few years ago and planned a weekend at lake hotel place in June. I forgot that it was a surprise because we had planned it so far in advance, and I put it in my Christmas poem. We took my mom's poem back before she read about it. That prompted Ann to decide that maybe we should tell Nana at Christmas instead of waiting until her March b-day so she'd have something to look forward to it. So, she and my sister went over to Nana's house without telling any of us and gave Nana the surprise gift. But if Nana read about the upcoming trip in my poem, that wouldn't have been OK. It's mind blowing (I felt awful that I slipped up, but Coach's family was going to the same resort right after my side and I worked it into the poem as things we were looking forward to, forgetting that Nana didn't yet know). My sister has to have things align just the way she wants them. God help you if you get in her way. (See, I think I've let go but I do like to share these examples because she is laughably ridiculous).
ReplyDeleteJ - I do appreciate that I really do need to just let stuff go. But you are so right, sometimes it is easier said than done. My offspring and Coach are great at poking fun of the nonsense, which makes it all easier to manage. I am so much better than I once was. SO MUCH.
ReplyDeleteI spoke to my dad over the weekend and I have a better handle on the meds situation. His med increased in price, but he knows there are other options. He had to switch to a new one recently because the old one wasn't working. Then the new one worked so well, that he had no energy. They took him off of that one and are waiting for him to need another one. So, he has time and he knows that there will be a way to afford it/request a different one, etc. Bottom line, he was being a bit dramatic. He is a pessimist in the worst way. Ugh. I promise I am not stressed about that. Also though, why say that to a 20 year old granddaughter? Goofy.
Engie - I like that line "hard to manage his expectations." Well said. I don't care as much as I once did (if that is hard to believe, welp - good thing I didn't blog back in the day when I was still drinking the Kool Aid), but I would be best if I stopped caring about some of the BS. He's too old to grasp that his 'be better friends' request is unrealistic and unnecessary. They get along fine, but different schools, different interests, they aren't linked all that much at the moment. And that's fine.
ReplyDeleteOh Ernie this is all a lot. Your dad telling Mini he might just stop his chemo pill?!?! Good golly. I had a step grandma who stopped taking her leukaemia pill because she decided God and the right cocktail of fresh pressed juice would fix it and it went about as you might think. So sorry he dumped that on Mini!
ReplyDeletejoymarie - I agree. That was lousy and so unnecessary. I asked him about his meds and I got the full story. He isn't going to stop taking his meds. That was him being pessimistic. He had to switch meds because the other one stopped working. The new one worked TOO well, and his numbers were really good but he had no energy at all. So, the doc said to take nothing for now, since his blood count was better than ever anyway and then they'll start another med. I think that med is very pricey, but he will have other options, etc.
ReplyDeleteOof. Ernie. I've not been reading your blog long enough to understand everything but what I do understand is that you have a dysfunctional larger family. Are you sure you're not adopted? You seem so different from anyone else? You're so thoughtful and considerate, and nobody in your family seems to be.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to advise. It seems very complicated and I don't know enough to make a good judgment call.
Not sure if you read comments on older posts but I just found your blog (thanks to Nance!) and I'm transfixed. I don't even know how you do all you do, and w/a seemingly wonderful sense of humor. My parents have both passed but I know how difficult it is to navigate these times. Also, my son has epilepsy, so I am reading w/interest how you and Reg handle all of this. It is beyond difficult, I know. My Connor is 27 now; was "officially" diagnosed when he was 13. I'm not sure it gets easier but you learn as you go. ♥
ReplyDelete