July 3, 2023

hoping this guy's gonna thrive now that he's 25!

Lad moved out  . . . recently. WITH FINN. Yes, that is a happy-shouting font. We were never set up to house a dog and it really wasn't working for us. I do love dogs, but they need to live with someone else. 

Hard to pinpoint a date that he left, since he still has 'stuff' here, like a gi-normous dog kennel in the basement on the Irish dancing stage. And he breezes in and out when the spirit, or his appetite, moves him. Last week, he came here after a morning workout. Decided to make eggs. Dropped a raw egg on the floor. Cleaned it up, half ass. Ate his cooked eggs. Left the pan near the sink. And  disappeared out the door.

Mini baked the cake and Curly decorated it.
 In my new summer grocery system - we
only visit the grocery 1x a week. So, I found
 a recipe for cream cheese frosting since
 we didn't have any white frosting for the
 cake. It was a big hit. Who knew there was
 an easy way to make frosting with what we
 had on hand vs store bought frosting?
 Well, not us. Ashamed to admit.
Lad turned 25 on June 25th. 

The move out was a long time coming, but it was a little emotional for me. At times. He's lived with us, for the most part, for 25 years. Is he easy to live with? Nope. Did we sort of force the inevitable? Yes, we sure did.

In late winter, Lad expressed interest in shopping for a place to buy. Coach and I were not on the same page as Lad. Shock. He was thinking house and we were thinking condo. He wants a yard for the dog. We know what he can afford, he thinks he knows what he can afford. Big difference. 

One day I arranged for Lad and I to look at a few places. The 'many lakes' condos, where Coach and I want him to live, occasionally have something pop up. By the time I share these listing with Lad, the places are usually contingent. Gone. Unavailable. This market is killing me.

Our wonderful realtor, myself, and Lad planned to look at a many lakes condo, followed by a few houses to appease Lad. 

The condo area we favor is about 2o or 25 minutes from where we live in the suburbs. It's centrally located, so jobs in the north or south suburbs would still work if he changed jobs. The development is chock full of young people. There are multiple sand volleyball courts. Wooded trails. A ski slope. It has its own convenient store and bar. There are a four lakes, and folks can rent canoes and kayaks - Lad already owns two kayaks, which add a lovely 'they-need-a-shed' look to our yard. *our neighborhood doesn't allow sheds.* Lad never asked if he could store them here, but he tosses them behind, or near, our bushes and thinks everything is A-OK. 

Let's hope constant eye-rolling doesn't lead to blindness, because I might need to start studying braille. 

I don't even remember what prompted our dispute, but as Lad and I drove home after looking at 3 out-of-price-range houses . . . two of which were begging to be knocked down and given a fresh start - words were spoken. I think the issue was me urging him to organize his stuff. I was willing to help. He likes to label me controlling, but trust me - his room looked like an application to star in hoarders-are-us. Controlling? Or am I a mom offering to help a disorganized son get his ACT TOGETHER? 

Let's remember that we've allowed him to live with us despite terrible habits and a DOG. I have control over nothing.

* the condo we planned to see was no longer available. I really wanted him to at least go to the area and check it out. The complex has ONE building that allows big dogs, because finding a place that'll take a dog over 50 lbs is near impossible. 

I'd had enough. When I gave up nap time and pulled Curly out of school to babysit so we could look at places and he continued to be unrealistic and snippy with me, I told him to get out by the weekend. He called Coach asking if that was legit. Coach told me I was being harsh. I disagreed. "Just letting go of the small piece of rope I've been clinging to. I can't do it anymore."

Get excited about a future post where I share the stuff Finn ruined while living here. 

We allowed Lad to continue to live with us so long as he agreed to see a doctor for ADD meds. Aunt Leprechaun shared with me in January that she felt Lad really only needed ADD meds. So simple? Except getting him to agree was another story. 

He claimed to have made the appointment at the doc Leprechaun suggested. The day of the appointment, I called him. WHERE ARE YOU? 


Oops. He'd forgotten that he'd lied about an appointment. I knew he wasn't there, because I'd called the doctor's office to request that they have him sign a HIPPA release thingy while he was there for his appointment. They were like WHO? HE'S NOT A PATIENT HERE. 

I guess HIPPA doesn't apply if you aren't actually a patient. BUSTED. 

Coach and I were TICKED. Beyond ticked. We raised the bar. Now, in order to not have his crap thrown out into the yard -he'd have to attend an appointment with a different doctor Leprechaun suggested, turns out the initial doc didn't treat people Lad's age, AND Coach and I would be on the zoom appointment with him. 

That actually happened. Shock. Oh, and a few days before the appointment, Lad walked in the house:  SO MICHAEL (Lad's work buddy) SAYS HE TAKES ADD MEDS. HE'S LIKE WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST TAKE THE MEDS? YOU'LL GET SO MUCH MORE STUFF DONE. DUDE, YOU'RE A DUMB ASS. I TAKE ADD MEDS. I CALL THEM MY SUPERMAN PILLS.

Poof. Just like that, Lad wanted to take ADD meds. Figured he'd sell more cars. He started digging through my cabinets looking for ADD meds left behind from Tank or Reg, when Reg was misdiagnosed with ADD. 

It took another month for Lad to complete the ADD forms for the doctor in order for her to prescribe the medication for him. A MONTH. I printed them. He filled them out, but they didn't send on his phone. Then they didn't send on his ipad. Then he realized he deleted them. I printed them again. He filled them out, and I scanned them into my computer and I sent them in. 

A guy in Michael's building typically stays at his girlfriend's place in the city, so he told Lad he'd sublet his condo to him for a mere $400/month - WITH FINN. The apartment is practically across the street from the dealership where Lad works. Lad moved in there mid-June. When I went into his room after he'd mostly moved out, I found that his reptile tanks had leaked. Despite the fact that my grandmother's antique dresser was covered in a glass top, moisture got underneath the glass. Tank's team photos, a 1st communion group photo, and Reg's little drawings that were displayed under the glass were mostly ruined. I spent a good deal of time scrubbing the carpet - reptile dirt? Or something.

Imagine my surprise when I went in the room and found this mess under the glass. He'd had a few of his MANY aquariums on the dresser. Others were in the closet. Under the bed. In the drawers. On the book shelves. 

It's been an exhausting process. It's our hope and prayer that he sticks with the meds and that they help him function on a day to day basis and that as a result he feels happier. 

Lad has a heart of gold and a great sense of humor. He is so loyal and caring. He is bright and hard working. 

Here's to starting to thrive now that he's the big 25.

Have you ever known someone who could be a future contestant on Hoarders? How has this housing market impacted you? Sold a property so fast? Can't get a bid in fast enough on something?  Ever dealt with a 'tenant' who left a trail of destruction? 



Bijoux said...

First of all, I’m sorry. That sounds very stressful, but I’m glad he found a place to sublet and I hope it’s a good solution for a while. Having adult children with ‘issues’ is incredibly trying.

To answer your questions: my parents were hoarders. They never threw anything away and then kept buying stuff. Things like QVC jewelry, small appliances, tons of Xmas decor. I have a huge job ahead of me when I manage to get my mother into assisted living.

My son and his wife spent 18 months trying to buy a house. The finally did it by bidding $50,000 over asking price. It was insane.

mbmom11 said...

Glad Lad has made some good choices. Renting from a friend sounds like a good step to learning how to budget and to manage a place of his own.
My daughter bought a house last year at peak prices- $30000 over asking and the house had been on market for maybe 4 hours? I wish they had gone the condo route but oh well. With pets, it can be hard to find rentals.
I have messy children but no hoarders yet. I did have to negotiate with child about taking meds and seeing a doctor. Very frustrating when you cannot get them to do what really will help. Or even just try! I hope you enjoy having your space back!

Beth Cotell said...

I have a friend with ADD and it sounds so...hard. I hope Lad takes his meds and finds that he thrives on them! I am glad that none of the houses worked out for him...that's a very big step! Condos are definitely the way to go at this stage.

Thankfully I don't have any hoarders. One is very neat and clean and the other is neatish but definitely NOT clean. :) I hope you can get everything cleaned up and orderly in his old room.

Pat Birnie said...

I really feel for you - what a difficult situation. It’s so hard when one of our kids has issues; you love them but……They need to grow up and move out but it’s not easy. And yes all 4 of my kids left a mess behind and boxes of stuff which are still in our basement. I’m so sorry about the damage to the dresser and pictures. We have rental properties and have twice had tenants who were hoarders. It’s a challenging situation for you and coach. I hope this move works out for Ladd. And yes the problem of them showing up and cooking/making a mess is real!! I guess that’s the upside of mine not living in the neighborhood.

Ernie said...

Bijoux - Thank you - it is tiring and it can be so frustrating - especially when there are options and when he was refusing to recognize the issue.

Oh goodness. That sounds like a lot to sort thru. I do not envy you there.

That is INSANE to have to pay that much over asking! My eyes are bugging out of my head. What a mess.

Ernie said...

mbmom11 - We think this guy is going to sell his condo soon, but at least this buys Lad some time. I so with he'd see the light and realize that a condo in a young community would be a good fit for him.

Paying so much more over asking is crazy.

Negotiating to try to get a kid to agree to take care of themselves is so challenging. This has been such a long road and it breaks my heart because I feel like Lad should be enoying these years as a young man, doing young guy things, spending time with friends, etc. He has friends, but not as many as he would if he was out on his own. At least that's my take on it. It also doens't help that his schedule is so weird that it interferes with his social time.

Ernie said...

Beth - ADD is so hard. When the kids were younger, the doc told us he didn't need meds on the weekends and that they'd maybe outgrow it. Turns out that was not accurate. They needed meds all the time, not just for a school day. There is a really good documentary about ADD called Disruptors. It was very informative.

Ed is a pretty organized guy - mostly neat. The rest of them? Slobs. Well, Curly likes order.

Ernie said...

Pat - My folks made us take everything with us. Even school projects/ papers - and I moved out a year after college. My in laws showed up here one day and literally dropped a box in our garage - it was full of yearbooks and stuff. Half of it wasn't even Coach's, his dad just wanted it out of his house. I was like HEY NOW!

It has been so challenging and it breaks my heart to think about some of it. Lad doesn't have a good relationship with some of his siblings and he won't 'own' any of it and he won't go see a therapist with any of them - even on our dime. Showing up here and making a mess in my kitchen? Just silly. I shudder to think of what would've happened if I'd have done that to my folks.

I hope they figure out his medication dosage and that it helps and that HE recognizes that it helps.

Nance said...

My sons lived on the second floor of our home. When they moved out, I had to clean it in 45-minute increments each day for a month. I started at the top of the stairs with a huge contractor's trash bag and worked my way in from there. When the alarm clock went off after 45 minutes each day, I stopped. That limit prevented me from becoming resentful and overwhelmed. It was awful. I think I mentioned before that we had given them a 6-month grace period to find their own apartments.

I'm glad your son is now open to ADD meds and I also hope that they--and therapy--provide a breakthrough for him. At 25 he could be living such a great life.

Nicole said...

Gosh, Ernie, that is so stressful all-round. The housing market is insane everywhere, I think. Our house sold in ONE day, above asking price. It is a seller's market to be sure. I'm so sorry that he's been the cause of so much stress, and here's hoping that the move-out is an end to the stress. I'm sure it will be an end to your dog allergies, anyway.

Kari said...

Oh man, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I hope it all works out eventually. I feel like gaining independence might help him. 😘❤️

Anonymous said...

My husband has a mental health diagnosis and has been controlling it with meds only for years. If Lad can get his prescriptions auto-refilled and delivered to his home, it will help. Part of what keeps my husband on track is that I make sure to order and pick up his refills so that there's less risk of him forgetting. If my husband were single, like Lad, he'd be better off with the sort of pharmacy that mails things to him on schedule without his having to do anything special.

Lad may also benefit from some sort of medication tracking option. My husband has had phases where he would forget to take a dose or couldn't remember if he'd already taken one. I got him a small weekly pill box thing from Etsy that fit his aesthetic so that he could load his pills per day at the start of each week. (I didn't want to get him the plastic grandma-style pill organizer my mom has-- I wanted it to be something he wouldn't mind having out on the counter or traveling with. Visible = more likely to be remembered.)

Busy Bee Suz said...

He created a lot of undue stress and problems. I'm sorry it took him so long to come around to the Med Thing; he's got to be your most challenging child. I would have strange him for the egg thing and we'd be planning a funeral right now.
Praying he stays the course and that he and Finn live a good life at their new place.

So far my tenants have been great! I mean, they're kinda sloppy but so sweet. (Lindsay!)

Gigi said...

25 does seem to be the age when they finally start connecting the dots in life, doesn't it?

The Happy Couple bought a small house last year that was way over priced to begin with and paid above list price. We tried to tell them but they didn't listen. So this will be a live and learn lesson for them whenever they decide to sell. Because there is no way on God's green earth that they will ever get their money back on the resale.

Life of a Doctor's Wife said...

Happy birthday to Lad! I hope the medication is helpful for him!

Ernie said...

Nance - Oh my. That sounds like quite a clean up job. I think you used a smart approach - 45 minute time limit to clean it all up.

I keep saying the same thing - this is his 20's. He could be/should be living his best life right now. It is just so distressing. Not sure the meds will make enough of an impact to tame his nonsense.

Ernie said...

Nicole - The housing market makes no sense. Interest rates are not exactly inviting. What is even happening? It sounds like the market worked out for you, especially since you weren't having to buy something in this market - your house being already bought. Lucky you.

Finn really hasn't bothered my allergies. No idea why. I guess the shots work. I continue to be alaremed by Lad's choices and concerned about his future. He has huge blowups with me or a sibling and then acts like nothing happened. It isn't healthy to not address stuff and to not accept that some things need to be worked on.

Ernie said...

Kari - Thanks. It is an ongoing mess and I constatntly think we are getting close to progress and then NO. One might think that independence might be the answer, but alas there is evidence of the contrary.

Ernie said...

Suz - He really has caused so much stress - not to mention the actual mess and the damage to our home and our belongings. Has there been an apology? Admitting he was messed with us? Nope.

I don't know that he will be willing to take enough meds to actually make a difference in his life. Pretty frustrating.

I think you would fall over in shock if you spent an extended amount of time with my tenants.

Ernie said...

Gigi - One would hope that 25 is going to be the difference, but I am honeslty losing hope. He has made a really dumb decision recently.

That IS a tough lesson to learn. And unfortunately a pricey mistake, but this market is killing bank accounts far and wide.

Ernie said...

Suzanne - He brought Finn here on his b-day. That dog went bananas when he saw me. Of course. I hope he gets the right dose of meds and sticks with it. I am feeling fairly pessimistic. Unfortunately.

Ernie said...

Anonymous - I doubt that we will get very far in the medication tracking issue. I don't hold very much hope that he'll stick with it. Sigh.

Bibliomama said...

"which add a lovely 'they need a shed' look to our yard" is funny. God, how infuriating - this is why I know I'd be a terrible liar, I'd forget about having lied and be caught at Nordstrom Rack too.
I have one tiny little dog that I love, and most of the time only two people live here, and it can still be a pain in the ass. A big-ass dog with a house full of people. NOPE.

Ernie said...

Ali - It is infuriating. I'm laughing at you ending up in a Nordstrom Rack too if you fall into a cycle of lying.

A big ass dog in our house was NOT a good fit. We are not set up for a dog. Now Lad has two dogs. It is my firm belief that LAD is not set up for two dogs. Good grief.