memory, test prep, & a meltdown

In preparation for my SIBO test, I haven't eaten probiotics or my protein shake since the week before I left for Ireland. Two staples. On Wednesday last week, I headed to the hospital for the 3 hour test. 

BUT FIRST:  Wednesday morning, I took 5 kids to the grocery store. Not typical protocol, but I was unsure of how I was going to find time to make our house, particularly the upstairs, presentable to house guests. Somewhere along the line, I'd miscalculated:  Easter was 10 days after Ireland, and in between I was in Milwaukee for b-ball.  

Many people complimented me on the excellent behavior of the 5 little ones. I had one in the cart, and the other 4 followed me closely, single-file. If they veered away from me, they'd land in oncoming cart traffic. My secret?  They like to play Memory.

At the store, I'd dangled the carrot they always hope for:  

if you're good, we will play two games of Memory. 

So, they avoided oncoming cart traffic. One guy picked up a tomato, but quickly put it down when I shot him the evil eye. I bought a ton.  My littles were amazed at the heap of food in my cart. 

During check out, the lights flickered. The power blip sent the computer into a tizzy. We waited. 10 minutes. Nothing. Believe it or not, I still intended to run to Costco. What can I say, I was on a mission. I had limited time, because I had to be back for the 11 am preschool bus that drops off 2 more kids. You knew that I like to live on the edge, didn't you? 

Me:  (as they started to load my groceries OUT of the cart and onto a neighboring/functioning conveyor belt) So, I need to go. I can't wait for you to re-ring this. I'll have to come back after the preschool bus. I'm not brining these guys back in here, but you can come out and grab my credit card. 

They agreed to my terms. I bolted to Costco and called Becky. ARE YOU HOME? (she wasn't sitting that day) IF I GET STUCK AT COSTCO CAN YOU RUN OVER AND GET THE KIDS OFF THE BUS FOR ME? She agreed to bail me out if necessary. 

I finished Costco in record time, I called Becky: ALL GOOD, THE EAGLE FLIES AT MIDNIGHT. 

I unloaded the Costco food and brought parts of the 5 kids' lunches out to the car to get them started. There would be no unbuckling - I'd rather take a fork to the eye than unbuckle needlessly. 

Me:  We have to go back to the first grocery store after the bus comes THEN we can come home, finish eating, and play Memory. TWICE.

Well, the bus never came. Had I missed it? Normally the school would call to say HEY DUMB ASS THE KIDS ARE BACK AT THE BUILDING, YOU MUST COME GET THEM HERE. 

I called the school. The kids were out sick. COME AGAIN? The mom forgot to call me. I was coated in sweat, hungry, sporting CRAZY windy-day hair, behind schedule, and I still needed to go back to grocery store #1, curbside pay (which isn't really a thing), get the food home and put away, feed 5 kids remaining lunch, play Memory twice, and call the hostpial to ask which building I should go to. Dang.

I raced back for my groceries - melted ice cream, anyone? Was constant motion for an hour. Coach came home early. I set up Memory, gave him naptime instructions, and gave him a good start in Memory. He was gonna have to finish up. As I raced to the car, I heard a kid inform him of their bonus game. 

Me:  Oops, I forgot to tell him. Ah, he'll figure it out. 

I drove 30 minutes, parked, got inside and asked where room 1101 was (I'd called in advance), and found out I was in the wrong building. Happens every time I go there. Back to the car. Drove 4 buildings away. Valeted my car. Was now really late. Waited in line at the wrong place. Texted Coach that I was on the verge of tears. Got to the correct place. Waited for over an hour before they called me back for my THREE HOUR TEST. 

The nurses: Have you eaten probiotics? *No.* Antibiotics? *No.* What'd you eat yesterday? 

Me:  Huh? The usual. Oatmeal. Apple. Cobb Salad . . .

Nurse:  Hmm, well . . . you were supposed to eat a bland diet. I'm sorry, we won't be able to give you this test today. 

Bottom line - I screwed up. I set the appoitment up so long ago and I do have a few notes on my calendar about what to eat the day before the test, but I didn't remember. 

Me:  I love how this hospital calls to get my credit card, but you can't tell me which building to go to or how to prepare.

Nurse:  Well, you aren't on the portal. The info is on the portal. (later she informed me that they'd sent me an email. I never saw it). 

Me:  PORTAL? PORTAL! I'M TIRED OF PORTALS. I'M TIRED OF NOT EATING PROBIOTICS. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME AND THEY'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.

Regardless if it was a portal, or a missed email that probably looked like junk mail, I didn't remember, or get the info in writing - I just had a few notes on a corner of my calendar. 

Something was going to fall through the cracks, since life has been a tad distracting/chaotic lately. I was READY to eat my yogurt. I've been unable to eat what I want since 2015. Additionally, since October, I've stopped eating corn or popcorn. I'm tried. REALLY tired. 

I'm on my 3rd GI. I honestly feel fine most of the time, but when things go south - life gets a little dicey. Where will I be the next time I have an episode? Who knows? 

I.was.a.mess. 

I sobbed until my face was purple and my eyes were slits. I couldn't get a signal to call Coach. I think the nurses were close to calling upstairs:  

HEY, CAN WE GET A PSYCH COSULT DOWN HERE? 

Eventually settled down, mostly, and rescheduled for Tuesday at 1:00. Curly has to take a half day off school to cover my babysitting (she has a light afternoon). Today I can only eat rice, eggs, chicken broth, water, baked or broiled chicken. And tomorrow, I cannot eat or DRINK ANYTHING. Like, at all - the test is not until 1:00.

I might have to ask the toddlers to flip over the cards for me during our Tuesday Memory match, because I doubt I'll have the strength. 

Wanna make it interesting:  they'll never figure out my issue at some point (not SIBO) or I have SIBO? 

Easter was lovely, BTW - and my dad shared some great family non-secrets with Mini's friends. More later, but first I'm off to gnaw on my own arm.