Harry and the potty, unfortunately, no wizardry here

Bathroom issues that were never disclosed.  

* We were never told that Harry had trouble in the bathroom. I can't even say for sure what that trouble is. He either likes to hang out in there, or is having trouble going. Maybe he knows he can avoid life while in there. Control?  Physical? Psychological? Not sure. But shame on Indiana for not being upfront. Debbie eventually shared with us that Harry had this issue while he lived with her. She once casually mentioned that he'd get backed up. She thought it was his meds. I thought it was likely NO FRUIT in his diet. I didn't have ANY IDEA how big a deal it was. 

Shortly after they moved in, I noticed that ANYWHERE we went, Harry would ask to use the bathroom. Checking out of Target, home in 5 minutes. He requested the bathroom. Grocery store -same. I knew he didn't have to go, so I said no. He threatened to pee on himself:  I'LL DEAL WITH WHATEVER HAPPENS, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GONE V ERY LONG.YOU WENT RIGHT BEFORE WE LEFT AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY HOME. 

He made a scene, grabbing his crotch. I ignored it. When we got home, he ran to play in the yard and didn't go to the bathroom for hours. 

From day one, I started giving both boys Activia. I heard that probiotics help with anxiety. I hoped to find ways, other than piles of pill bottles, to deal with their anxiety. Larry liked yogurt. Harry didn't. The pediatrician said Harry's meds didn't constipate him. Later, the psychiatrist would TOTALLY disagree. I was like HUH? The psychiatrist told me I KNOW BETTER THAN THE PEDIATRICIAN.  

Tough thing of MANY in this process:  so many schools of thought or different approaches or cluelessness. For example, Indiana not even knowing about Trauma Informed parenting classes. They didn't seem to fully grasp the impact of the trauma on these boys. 

* Oh, and the odor when he does poop:  CAN WE LIST THE HOUSE AND MOVE? Is it his meds? He has the most serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out). We wonder if he holds it in WAY TOO LONG and then creates issues. Perhaps because he stays in the bathroom so long afterwards, his clothes absorb the smell. I compare it to when I cook piles of bacon and then I smell like bacon. 

Um, show of hands, who'd rather smell like bacon?  

Over the summer, my kids begged me to figure it out. No joke, we had to section off parts of the house or ask him to warn us. I told him it was part of living with so many people:  good manners. I also legitimately worried what would happen once he started school and he was in a classroom smelling like this. I mentioned it to the pediatrician at his Aug 20th physical. No one knew how to address it. I considered taking him to a gastroenterologist. 

Once, Reg agreed to read with Harry. Then Harry was in the bathroom forever. He smelled absolutely ungodly when Reg sat with him. Reg made an excuse to chat with me:  I CAN'T DO IT. IT'S MAKING ME FEEL SICK. Lest you think Reg was being a jerk, it really is hard to describe. I didn't blame him. Reg felt bad. He was like I WILL DO ANYTHING ELSE TO HELP YOU, JUST NOT THAT. NOT RIGHT NOW. 

Taking a photo:  an approved college move
in activity, causing the room to need
 to be fumigated:  against
the move-in day code.

The day we moved Tank into his dorm, Harry tried to go to the bathroom in the
bathroom in Tank's dorm room that he shared with suitemates. Tank, who was already anxious, lost his mind when he saw Harry heading in there. I stopped him. IF YOU'RE GOING TO POOP YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE LOBBY. I explained:  small space/ Tank's roomie could be there any minute. If Tank's never-before-met roomie showed up, there would be no explaining the stench. No exaggeration. I'm sure we sound awful, but seriously I change a lot of smelly diapers - this was NOT normal. 

I believe the yogurt in the morning and the fruit/veggies helps. He isn't spending as much time in the bathroom as he was early on and the odor is much less offensive. Like, much less. 

* When school started, he was spending over 20 minutes in the bathroom during instruction while at school MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. Teachers had to stand outside the bathroom and tell him to get out. He would shout at them if they tried to limit his bathroom visits. 

By mid September, Coach and I said, NO MORE. The teachers gave him a clipboard. They had to sign off on frequency and duration of visits to the bathroom. If he could get through a day going two times or fewer for less than 5 minutes each, he got a movie night on Friday. 

Harry cried when we suggested the new system:  I CAN'T! We pointed out that he didn't do that at home anymore. He told us:  THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S STUFF TO DO. We were like, a) there's more important 'stuff to do' at school, and b) then you're telling us that this is a choice, not a necessity. 

Coach just kept saying YOU CAN DO THIS. Harry succeeded in the first week when we rolled out the new movie night plan. He chose Eight Below as his movie. 

* Then there's fruit. He fights me for fruit and Activia. In fact, that's how I became butt sore - most likely permanently. Harry had a screaming fit the 2nd week he was here. He didn't want to eat fruit at lunch, prolonging time at the table. When we had to drive Reg to basketball, he refused to get in the car.  

I was trying REALLY hard not to make my kids suffer or miss their 'stuff' because of a fit or a meltdown. I chased Harry across the deck in hopes of steering him to the car. Unfortunately, when Harry stopped suddenly to change directions, so did I. My butt was upset. Eventually, Reg picked him up in a cradle-the-baby position and walked him kicking and screaming to the car. That was a loud and uncomfortable car ride. Not the first, not the last. I limped to the car, been hurting ever since. 

When Harry complains or refuses to eat fruit, I point out lengthy bathroom time isn't the norm. Fruit and veggies are necessary. I let him pick the fruit he wants. Options. Small portions. Veggies at dinner:  another part of the equation and something else that ticks him off.

Also, bathroom discussions set him off and trying to handle the issue meant trying to discuss it. It was stressful.

 

Boys in soccer uniforms cheering
 for Curly at her travel b-ball game. 

Coming soon, Larry's favorite past time:  TATTLING. Oh, and how obsessed can one kid be about what he wears? Larry always seemed more easy going and manageable. Just another mystical illusion. 

People classify the early weeks or months of adoption as the honeymoon phase. Coach and I felt like we weren't really granted a honeymoon phase, but looking back despite the early issues those WERE the easier days. 

A favorite priest of ours, Fr. Bernie, preached one day in his homily YOU CAN DO MORE. That was the push Coach needed to get on the same page as me and we began the adoption journey together from there on out. It was Thanksgiving weekend 2017.

Some mornings this fall, I woke up and thought:  

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO MORE TODAY.