September 8, 2021

butt-sore newly defined & life with a shoe-shredder

After Tank and Ed arrived at their respective colleges, I took the 'less-shoe-wearers-in-the-house' opportunity to clean out the mudroom. I hadn't ordered the high school kids' books yet. What I'm saying is, I devoted limited time to the mudroom project. Rather than empty every locker, I opted to simply remove EVERY. SINGLE. SHOE. Trust me, that was enough. 

Each locker can hold about 4 pairs of shoes.
Um, I don't need a fancy math equation

As far as Tank only owning the one pair of shoes, . . . I call BS. I unearthed some of his older shoes. Perhaps he doesn't WANT them anymore, but let's not claim to be a deprived boy with limited access to shoe ware (Is it shoe wear or shoe ware?). 

Then there's Reggie with his Fred Flintstone tendencies. The way he shreds his shoes in less than 2 months is MIND BLOWING. Is he really a baby pterodactyl with pointy claws in place of toes? Most importantly, once the shredded variety have been replaced, why does he NOT dispose of the 'holy' pair? 

He was wearing these shoes to caddy. His
 golfer turned to his brother Ed when they were
 in the same group and was like DUDE,
How can this be? He tells me when he
 wants something from the grocery
store, but no mention of worn out shoes.

In other exciting news:  I've broken my butt. *There will be no photos.* 

Butt-sore has taken on a whole new meaning.

Oddly, I don't recall how I did it - the initial injury being forever ago. I used to run (like 2012ish). IOne butt cheek felt engaged and ALWAYS sore. I thought the other 'unengaged' cheek was somehow slacking off. Coach, my physical therapist who poses as my husband, never really had much to say about it. I stopped running about 5 years later when my sciatica kept complaining. I switched to walking and high intensity strength classes. 

I started running again last summer. Everything's been fine. One cheek tighter than the other as usual, but nothing that hobbled me. A few weeks ago, I moved weird. As in, I rotated but my leg didn't exactly move with my body. I wasn't on a run, I was doing something . . .  in the yard. (I almost wrote:  I WAS DOING SOMETHING ELSE, BUT THEN I FEARED YOU'D GET THE WRONG IDEA. It was less racy than what your imagination might run wild with. Promise).

I limped around for a few days. The disengaged side has recently been let off the hook since it's now clear that the SUPER TIGHT side has just been messed up and I shouldn't have been holding the it up as normal. I apologized to the 'slack' side for referring to it as lazy and untoned.

Coach diagnosed me with tendinopathy of the hamstring, or maybe even a partial tear in the glute. I thought for sure it was the glute because it's halfway up my  butt. 


I thought he was teasing me, like implying I was being a wimp. Then he said NO SERIOUSLY, LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO PRO FOOTBALL PLAYERS, ETC. He's shocked that I don't remember how it happened. It should've been MEMORABLE. It started hurting SO long ago. I have no idea. It's been 'fine' for years, just feeling extra tight. Tweaking it -a major bummer. 

The bad news:  Coach told me that there really isn't a cure if it's a partial tear. I want surgery. Apparently that's not a thing. How is that possible? Aren't there lasers and shit that do all kinds of miracle work? What year is this? I'd  settle for a butt cheek transplant. I'm still alternating:  running one day, walking the next. Every step hurts. Being inactive doesn't improve the situation, so activity it is.

Coach gave me some exercises to do, assuming it is tendinopathy. *Full disclosure:  he gave me the exercises a week ago and it wasn't until about 5 days later that I tried them. My busy status of yesteryear has been outdone by my current busy status, so I throw my hands up and beg for some simplified fix that involves no exercises to remember. 

The night Coach examined my butt-ee-simo region Reggie had a group of friends over, a new group, no less. Coach worried they'd come inside from the deck and file past the family room on their way to the basement as he was, um, inspecting my injured area. Fortunately, they stayed outside and his exam failed to raise any eyebrows. 

Most fortunately of all, Reg's new group seemed to enjoy themselves. Mary Ann didn't complain about their noise. Reg has been in need of a new group. Fingers crossed (while butt cheeks refuse to unclench) that he's found his high school people.

Ever met anyone who wore out shoes in record time, AND continued to wear them? Anyone else ever have a butt injury? Ever been to PT? Done the exercises assigned to you?



Amy said...

No shoe shredders here, thank goodness. That's crazy! I do have a kid that will for no discernible reason or warning decide they no longer like their shoes and tell us they have no shoes. We'll point and say your shoes are right there...? And all we'll get from said child is a blank stare. SMDH.

Pat Birnie said...

Oh my goodness those shoes. That’s hilarious! I have had a butt/hamstring injury and it’s a lingering one. I’m an avid long time runner & several months ago my hamstring started to bug me but of course I ignored it- big mistake. Eventually it hurt to walk & I couldn’t run at all, so I had to face it. It does come from my glute and an imbalance in my hips. With rest + osteopath & massage treatments it wasn’t improving. I added acupuncture & started doing a 15-20 min yoga for glutes /hips & hams and it finally is resolving. Sadly the body doesn’t allow shortcuts or fixes that take zero time. I feel for you as I know you have zero time!

Suzanne said...

Please allow us to keep our minds firmly in the gutter ;-)

So sorry to hear about your buttular injury! I hope the exercises help!

Kara said...

My kids don't shred shoes, for the most part. But my oldest has had the same size feet since 4th grade and refuses to throw shoes away, while still acquiring new pairs. My husband and I have taken to calling her Imelda (does that land as a cultural reference anymore?). The dog "helped" and chewed up many shoes, so I was able to cut down some pairs- from everyone in the house- but Shoe Jail is still overflowing. Shoe Jail is the stack of 18 gallon tubs at the front door that in theory contain everyone's shoes. In actuality, the shoes wind up everywhere until I get frustrated, round them all up, and throw them all back into Shoe Jail.

Kari said...

Does your butt need a sling? Or a butt cast? That would be AWESOME. That also means you shouldn't have to do laundry. I think it's in the butt injury rulebook.

Bibliomama said...

I'd go with footwear.
The butt stuff is hilarious and also terrible - I've had sciatic issues and it's no joke. And it IS absolute bullshit that they can't fix it - what good IS modern medicine then?
We have a bad habit of keeping outgrown shoes here too, although I throw out the holey ones. Angus always walks around with one duct-taped flip-flop for a few months before he replaces them (he wears flip flops and socks A LOT, I've given up).

Cheryl said...

You better baby that butt, because it only gets worse and as one ages it takes longer to heal. 10 years ago, an injury on my body would resolve itself in a week or so, now it takes weeks. Ugh.

It just happened to me last month, my right cheek was screaming, and I had no idea how I did it. I may have stretched wrong or moved wrong, either gardening or in the pool. At first, I thought the hip I had replaced, due to arthritis, in 2017 shit the bed. The scar where the surgeon cut starts right in the middle exactly where the pain was. But, than I remembered the pain that caused the replacement in the first place, was mostly in the groin area. The husband, who is a doctor of nothing, told me there is a muscle there, and I must have strained it. It took 3 whole weeks of using a heating pad, taking some meloxicam and limping, but it's much better.

I hope you heal quickly. Pain is no fun.

Nicole MacPherson said...

Your injury sounds very similar to one I suffered from - it was extreme muscle spasms brought on by a hypermobile SI joint and overtraining. It was through my glute, but also my hip flexor and all down the interior of my leg. It was excruciating. I had ignored the signs and continued to run until one day I literally could not walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom. It was just awful. I did a lot of physio and dry-needling, but it was many months before I could walk without a limp. I am really conscious of it now: I wear an SI brace when I run, but I only run twice a week and I cross train the rest of the time. I did all my exercises faithfully and of course I stretch a lot. Don't ignore the signs, this kind of thing only gets worse! Of course you have your own personal PT, so that helps!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I can't wait for Monday!

Lolo used to wear out her sandals....right down to the meat of them. And then continue to wear them as if we couldn't get another pair. Linds used to wear out her dance shoes in record time. But I don't remember the old ones lingering around.

YAY for Reg and his friend group. Crossing my fingers, toes, and butt cheeks that they are a good group for him.

Your poor butt. I've never heard of anything like this, but only YOU could do this and NOT know-how. I hope it gets better. Maybe just do the walking and NOT running. I mean, is someone chasing you? Is that why you run? ;)
I injured my coccyx bone when I was about 13. Hurt like a mother for many months.

You probably didn't know I had a coccyx bone, did you? You have one too. We're practically twins.

Ernie said...

Amy- oh my gosh. Hilarious. Curly was BORN a shoe-aholic. She'd take shoes that she found laying poolside during swim meets as a toddler. I'd be timing races and have to figure out where the shoes belonged. It must be in her DNA.

Ernie said...

Pat - You had me at massage . . . wait, you're saying massage DIDN'T work? Dang. Ha. I honestly just noticed a bit of an improvement today. I think Coach will dry needle it as the next step -which I think is similar to acupuncture, just a PT's version. Thanks for the suggestions.

Ernie said...

Suzanne- Hee hee. Minds will travel where they will. I hope the exercises help too. I'm too young to feel this old, or at least I will keep telling myself that.

Ernie said...

Kara - I'm stuck here, staring off into space trying to imagine having the same size foot since 4th grade. Can't decide if that would be a blessing or a curse. Have I mentioned we are tall people? I once wore a 10, but I now wear a much more respectable 9. I do take great budget type comfort in the fact that the girls and I wear the same size. Not tossing shoes out is no bueno.

Ernie said...

Kari - I think the swings on our swing set might be able to do double duty as a butt sling - it's what I picture anyway. I second that motion to add the no laundry rule to the butt injury handbook, if it wasn't already there.

Ernie said...

Ali - I was counting on you to weigh in on the footwear word. Sometimes a word just doesn't look right, even though my brain SHOULD know better.

My problem is I don't realize the shoes are holey until he's been wearing them for a while in that condition. Probably because one would not expect a shoe to age SO quickly. What on earth? The boy is capable of making other demands, why the new shoe holdout? Perhaps because he fears the backlash of I JUST BOUGHT YOU THOSE TWO MONTHS AGO.

I believe it was Ed who super glued athletic slide type shoes back together. Or Tank? Clearly we need an intervention.

Ernie said...

Cheryl - I love that your husband is a doctor of nothing but he did KNOW that there was a muscle under there. My hands went weak at the mention of a scar. I MUST get this figured out because I can't go under the knife. That would be really ugly and Coach would refuse to rehab me because of my dramatic outbursts that are a result of my seriously low tolerance for pain.

Ernie said...

Nicole - you are Coach's dream patient. Yes, I do need to stay on top of this. I have wondered if it has something to do with my SI joint, which has given me trouble in the past. An SI brace - what's this you speak of? I must ask my main squeeze for info on this equipment. I have noticed a slight improvement today and I've been doing the exercises a bit more often. Sometimes I feel like the stuff I do in my classes is accomplishing a similar thing. I think he called it flossing (of some sort). I appreciate the advice and your experience has gotten my attention. But, I do still think it should be easier to fix, as Ali put is WHAT GOOD IS MODERN MEDICINE THEN?

Ernie said...

Suz - Yes, Monday starts the first of several chapters of the update. It's happening.

I should've included in this post how Mini was wearing my castoff running shoes. We CAN afford new shoes. I think she just couldn't be bothered, but that's why hers broke - um, they were WORN THE HECK OUT. Then there's Curly: OH, LOOK AT THOSE SHOES.

Appreciate all the crossings and good vibes for Reg's venture into a new group. Here's hoping. When he was a little guy he used to play soccer and at the pool with one of the guys. His folks are good people, so hoping that's a good sign. Oh, the nonsense of the group he moved on from. My girls never dealt with such drama. Ick.

You are making me laugh. No, I am not being chased . . . but that damn clock is always begging me to hurry and get back home. So, I like running because it gets me done faster. It literally drives me bat-shit crazy to do a shorter run or half a walk. I need help. Not gonna lie. The best part of a run is when I'm finished. Such a great feeling of accomplishment, but I do need to get this butt cheek to contribute to my normal activities for a good few more years. So, I am gonna figure it out. I might have to ask Coach to dry needle there. Cringing, thinking of it.

Coccyx - how did you know how to spell that? Please tell me you looked it up, so I feel better. Yes, we are indeed practically twins. ;)

Beth Cotell said...

I always knew you were exercising on a professional level!!!! Hopefully, the exercises Coach gave you will help things feel better soon. Oh, what a pain in the butt! Sorry - I couldn't help myself!

Ernie said...

Beth - Truer words were never spoken. I'm thinking I might have to allow him to needle me. My least favorite thing, but if it helps . . . sigh.

Kara said...

Ernie- she wears a kid's size 3. You probably care for toddlers who wear the same size shoes as my 18 year old. She is short - 4 ft 10 inches tall- and small all around.

Ernie said...

Kara - That's nuts. Are there even non-velcro options available? ;)