August 16, 2021

black sheep: my first bikini wax

I was so happy (a few months ago - I kept pushing this post aside when new interesting stuff like fire alarms and save-the-day hair people popped into our lives) when summer finally approached, I remember all too well the events as I prepared for another season at the pool . . .  back in 2003.

Everybody does it, right? That was my thought when I finally picked up the phone to schedule 'the' appointment. After years of dealing with my bikini line, I finally got up my nerve to take care of it. At this point in my life, I had given birth three or four times, so how hard could it be to get waxed?

I longed for the freedom of pulling on a bathing suit and not worrying about whether or not there was any growth, stubble, or even worse red shaving bumps. No more itching as it grew back. No more adjusting to make sure everything was tucked and tamed.

Ah, let the summer relaxation at the side of the pool begin . . . of course, having those little tots in tow meant very little relaxing. Instead I'd be constantly checking swim diapers to avoid the dreaded spillage, reapplying sunscreen to chubby limbs, and keeping a watchful eye to be sure no one stayed under too long. But chatting with other moms and soaking up the sun's rays was enough of a respite for me.

Being on a budget, I shopped around. Since I was new to the bikini wax market, I had no idea how much I should expect to invest in a wax job. I was still uncomfortable talking about the process in polite company, so I couldn't rely on recommendations from friends. I called around and inquired about pricing at a few places that I'd looked up in the yellow pages. Remember yellow pages?

Finally, I scheduled myself at 'The Hair Garden.' It won my business because it was the cheapest place around. I honestly don't even remember how much it cost.

It wasn't until I arrived that I realized that 'The Hair Garden' was a beauty salon catering to a clientele that was primarily of East Indian descent. This shouldn't matter. I believe hair down there grows the same on everyone, so I pressed onward in my adventure. 

I was led into a back room. The chatter among customers flowed in a foreign tongue, so I had no idea if the other patrons were chuckling about how nervous or out of place I looked or if they were just carrying on regular conversation. I reminded myself that this would all be over soon and I'd be chuckling about it long distance with my good friend, Fozzy.

Laying on a table, I bared my own 'hair garden'. The dingy ceiling tiles, and the flickering fluorescent light completed the Frankenstein-like, lab atmosphere. Where the Hell was I, and what was I doing? 

The professional warned me that the wax would be warm, and that I would feel some pain. Damn! That was no joke. She repeated the process a few times before proudly announcing that the job was done.

I barely remember paying. Everything else is fuzzy (no pun intended). I half cried, half laughed during the short ride home. 

I don't think I applied any ointment or other soothing treatment before I reached for the phone and called Foz. I described my ordeal in great detail. We laughed and chuckled at the awkwardness of it all. Then Fozzy asked an important question, "Was it worth it?" That's when I examined the condition of my screaming skin. 

Ironically the worst of the de-weeding was about to be realized. When comparing prices, perhaps I should've inquired about technique or success rate (I wasn't aware that a bikini wax could be unsuccessful). Upon inspection, I was shocked because I had been serviced with an 'incomplete' bikini wax.

There were entire areas that remained intact. How difficult is it to 'get it all'?  I promise I'm not some kind of amazon woman with hair growth rivaling that of Chewbacca. What good is an incomplete bikini wax?

(compliments:  You Tube)
I feel ya, Steve.

After all that, I was still forced to deal with the renegade strips of hair that apparently avoided the less than thorough efforts of Ms. Hair Garden. I would certainly not recommend her for employee of the month. How dare she botch this, when every ounce of my courage was summoned for this particular endeavor! 

For many years following this attempt, I spent summers sporting swim suits that shroud my bikini line in a skirt rather than 'woman up'. Rather than repeating the icky process all over again, I accepted the reality that I had an area where the sun doesn't shine. On the flip side, Fozzy and I only had to mention the name of, 'The Hair Garden' in order to enjoy a good hearty laugh. 

I decided about 5 years ago, that I COULD face this dreaded task again. I was an adult, after all. This time I asked around. So now I know a place. I schedule it the end of May and try not to think about it. I haven't had an unsuccessful job since that first time. I dream of electrolysis.

I wish I had a video of my sisters' reaction when I told them I got a bikini wax. They were appalled. Disgusted. Who would consider such a personal-space violation? 

Yep, I'm the black sheep of the family, and given the subject matter, well . . . it fits.



Ally Bean said...

I'm laughing here. But maybe I shouldn't be? You're a brave soul to get a bikini wax, something that sounds too painful for me to even contemplate. Still if you're going to be dubbed a black sheep, you've found a great way to do it. Your last line, priceless.

Nicole MacPherson said...

Ha! I have had some bad waxes in my time, that's for sure. I stopped going to a place just up the street from me because the young esthetician told me that once she had "accidentally ripped someone's butthole" which is not what you want to hear, honestly. It's the last thing you want to hear. I have been getting sugared lately instead of wax and I highly recommend it!

Kari said...

You, my friend, are brave! I've never gotten up the courage to get waxed. The pain is why. You are my hero. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Rule number ONE: If someone is working ON or NEAR your Honey Pot, this is not a time to save money!
That being said, I used to go to this great lady who I was comfortable with, but she charged $75 and it took her all of 8 minutes.
I felt like I was being ripped off. Literally.
I found someone else who was more reasonable. I stopped going when the pandemic hit and really haven't thought about doing it again. But now you have my wondering....

If you really wanted to be the black sheep you should have told them you got a Brazillian wax!

I'm dying at Nicole's comment.

Kara said...

I'm a wimp! I cry getting my eyebrows done. There is NO WAY I'm getting my lady parts waxed.

What I can't take care of at home with a razor, gets covered by booty shorts, which happen to be incredibly forgiving and flattering anyways. They're my preferred bathing suit bottom.

Suzanne said...

I have never gotten any sort of wax, so I applaud your moxie.

This made me snort laugh: "Laying on a table, I bared my own 'hair garden'. "

Gigi said...

Nope, nope, nope. I generally use Nair for that AND prefer swim shorts.

Ernie said...

Ally - By all means, laugh away. It was a hilarious ordeal. I guess I was brave, but I decided if other people can manage this - it can't be THAT bad. Hmm. I've often been referred to by my family of origin as the black sheep . . . little did we know just how fitting that title would turn out to be.

Ernie said...

Nicole - A bad wax indeed. Bad timing for a first timer, who was skittish to begin with. I remember reading about the 'ripped butthole' in your blog and it's still so shocking that someone might share that. Bazaar.

Mini wanted to get a bikini wax and I told her I'd take her, but I cautioned her that she might HATE it. I didn't think she was 'ready' for that - not to mention she doesn't swim regularly. She has an ear wax buildup problem and has to have her ear suctioned every few months or she loses hearing. Well, let me tell you - she's so ticklish that the instant someone touches her to remove the wax in her ear, she practically hits the ceiling. Not that a bikini wax tickles, but she is not necessarily a candidate to have someone attempt to handle 'that'.

I must look into sugaring. It certainly SOUNDS more pleasant.

Ernie said...

Kari - Ha. I think I'd prefer to be known for something else. Taking a bow just the same.

Ernie said...

Suz - Your Honey Pot reference has me in stitches. Plus, you getting 'ripped off' - you're on a roll. Great advice, I agree - this 'area' is worthy of a bigger portion of the budget. Yes, Nicole's comment is unreal and so funny. My sisters . . . oh, goodness. If it's outside their comfort zone, it is far-fetched and ridiculous.

Ernie said...

Kara - I agree that it is not a pleasant task. All I can say is desperate times call for desperate measures. Mary Ann's MIL came to the pool years ago when I wore a bathing suit with a skirt. The MIL asked me where I bought my suit. Once this grandma complimented my bathing suit, I decided to try something else.

Ernie said...

Suzanne- I was surprised by my own moxie. I do get better results at the new place, but after getting up my nerve I'd expect the wax to last all summer. NOT THE CASE. The challenges women face. Right?

Knowing I made you snort laugh made my day.

Ernie said...

Gigi - It certainly isn't for everyone. Not thinking about it at all, is the only way I manage it. Sure makes for a funny story. I think people are either onboard or horrified.

Beth Cotell said...

I literally laughed out loud at the name "Hair Garden" until you said it was an actual beauty salon! I was envisioning that all they did was groom hair down their in a ladies' private garden.

I don't think I will ever be brave enough for a bikini wax! Glad you found a place that actually gets the job done!

Ernie said...

Beth - It was quite the name. I think it still exists, but in a different location. I do like the new place- as much as one can like a place that rips your hair off of your body. I especially like that they ALWAYS have openings, so it's easy to call up and get an appointment at the last minute. No time to over think or chicken out.