Sorry this is longer than I intended.
The arrangement: if Lad wants help with his toll debt ($3,500, in case you missed that post. We gagged a little, too), then we requested he sign off on his hippa. We also required him to complete the bloodwork that the neurologist requested in July.
Lad FINALLY got the bloodwork done in March. The head CT from July came back normal.
The first time he tried to get his blood drawn, the order was too old, or something. That led to a rant by him at us, well namely -me, because I was home.
With Hippa signed, I called the neuro. Was he conducting a legit neuropsych eval? He wasn't. Long story short: we got Lad to see a new therapist over the summer. He suggested Lad see this neuro Dr. for testing. We crossed our fingers hoping for answers, but since he's legally an adult - we were in the dark. Now we feel like that testing wasn't what Lad needed. Frustrating, and PRICEY.
In early April, I called the neuro's office to set up a follow up visit. He was booking into late June. Come again?
Why not ask our family doctor, Dr. B, to review the bloodwork? His office is where Lad had the blood drawn, because it was closer than the neuro. Dr. B was involved early on in this nightmare. He reached out to Lad when things were really hairy and suggested family therapy. Since Lad didn't live with us for 5 months, that didn't happen.
I emailed Dr. B:
#1. The neuro wasn't doing a neuropsych eval.
#2. Lad's behavior has improved considerably - still have concerns.
#3. If this was stress related and NOT a personality disorder, what happens the next time he encounters stress?
#4. Would he meet with us, review the bloodwork, and hopefully urge Lad to get the neuropsych eval.
Dr. B emailed back: call his office, get appt for the last virtual visit of his day. Tuesday, the 20th at 4:45 worked for all 3 of us.
Lad: Big day, we're gonna find out what's wrong with my blood.
Me: I don't think they're gonna find anything. Dr. B might suggest different testing. (me hinting, hoping he'll be open to what Dr. B suggests)
**side note: When Lad had the toll place call me last month so I could work my magic and get them to lower his bill, I shared with them that Lad was having 'issues'. They suggested we supply them with paperwork.
I told Lad that if the doc felt he was struggling with something, it might help us in the toll battle. Sometimes it feels like we're playing Jedi mind tricks, taking baby steps. We prefer a doctor to come up with a diagnosis, but WOW - harder than one would think.
Several weeks ago, Tank got in an argument with Lad and accused him of having a personality disorder. That got really ugly.**
TUESDAY LATE AFTERNOON:
The virtual call happened an hour late. I had 15 minutes until I had to drive Curly to basketball 30 min away. Other drivers weren't available.
Dr. B: bloodwork normal. Still Lad wondered what this or that meant. I was pressed for time. Wanted to get to the point. I asked Dr. B if he thought neuropsych testing was appropriate. I mentioned that while we've seen improvement, we want to be sure Lad doesn't run into similar struggles.
Coach informed Dr. B that when Lad came home Feb. 1st he admitted to us that he's always felt like everyone was out to get him.
Lad felt blindsided. And I hate that. There's no easy way to get a doctor to HELP US.
Lad: I was raised to think everyone was out to get me, because that's how my Mom's always felt.
My parents' favoritism stung. Plus, not gonna deny my middle child syndrome - my sisters are besties and my brothers are practically Siamese. Not the same as thinking 'everyone is out to get me'.
I bolted from the room to drive Curly. I HAD ENOUGH. I called back, "Yep, always someone's else's fault."
While in the lot at b-ball, I had to call a friend who works in my eye doctor office about a contact lens issue (silly story later). She could tell I'd been crying. I ended up sharing the saga through tears for over an hour. Of course there was no Kleenex box in the car.
Dr. B suggested family therapy. So we can sit and listen to Lad lie? Project? Blame? Coach and I have seen a therapist who specializes in DBT therapy, which is what we think Lad needs. We started this before he came home Feb. 1. Wanted to learn how to communicate with him, how to help him. Lots of talk about validation. What we really want: have Lad work with that therapist. How?
At every turn, I try. This doctor? That test? Hope for this. See if he'll agree to that. Set up boundaries and insist he respect them. Take a few steps forward and then encounter a set back.
We told him we'd help him deal with his tickets, but he never gave us the ticket or court date. Now the court date is next week. Guess whose fault it is that we don't have a plan in place, or a lawyer? Mine, apparently.
Believe me, he's so much better than he was. Not tormenting everyone. Functioning. Still, his perception is off. Not accepting responsibility. Doesn't recognize his need for help. Daily life is fine, some unpleasantness, but we don't feel like prisoners in our own home as we did over the summer. It's when we attempt to introduce help that we still believe that he needs that he bristles.
I wish we'd cancelled Dr. B when he was going to be SO late. The rushed appointment caused more harm than good. It's ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to get all 3 of us to be available. I hated to reschedule.
Hoping family therapy works (first, finding a time that works, then hoping the therapist has x-ray vision and can see truth, etc.) It's my only hope, Obi Wan. (not literally, because he's our son, and we'll keep trying till he gets the help he needs).