December 8, 2020

unexpected AND SHORT: funk, overwhelmed, and random thoughts

I have a confession to make, MY BLOG IS STRESSING ME OUT. How dumb is that? 

It isn't that I don't want to send you all secret decoder messages about my life. OK, secret decoder isn't a thing, but it sounds cool. I want to believe that you are all anxiously awaiting the latest installment of what's happening in the land of the Shenanigans. 

It's more like:  I have SO MUCH to tell you. Stuff keeps popping up. I still have a delightful stock of non-time-sensitive posts that I bump on the regular to fill you in on pressing-gotta-tell-'em-now stuff. 

When I don't post what's current though, I feel behind and overwhelmed. When will I find the time to tell you about my closet cleaning with Mini and all the hilarity that ensued? Delilah knows, because she was on the phone with me for part of the process. I texted her photos of some of my interesting wardrobe finds. 

Tell them, Delilah. So funny, right?

I forgot to post this photo yesterday. It's
 the girls' closet. Mini's side is on the left.

Around the bend in the closet she has
 two levels of hanging clothes.

My struggle is that I really don't have time to share all of the latest. I need to decorate and finish shopping (mostly online) and maybe freeze Christmas cookie dough and I have a quick and easy final evaluation for my class I need to do (will probably take minutes) and I need to finish my Christmas poem - which is almost done, earlier than I've ever done it- but I keep playing with it. I stick a ton of photos around the words and it's like a giant puzzle. As in:  'How many pics can I squeeze in here?' 

And I broke my sleep pattern, which sucks. Of the last 4 nights, I have slept like 12 am- 4am for three of them. That's biting my ass. Big time. I start to wonder:  celiac? stress? too much water late in the day, which is what I do when I'm busy, as in:  OH CRAP, IT'S 8 PM AND I HAVE HARDLY HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK. GUZZLE, GUZZLE. That can't be good, or does it not matter. Or . . . stress, oh - I already said that. 

Will Lad decide to stop texting us crazy shit and agree to get help, or be part of the family. Ever? 

Our helper guy from NAMI keeps saying when Lad gets in a bind he's going to realize he needs us, then we might expect a shift. That bind happened last week. He was down to $10 in his account. He demanded that we send him grad money (that we agreed to put towards a car, but then he bought the car back when everything blew up without our money and blamed us for him having to get a crappier used car than he intended). We texted back that we have some ideas for gifts and purchases that might be a good way to recognize his graduation and to let us know when he wanted to get together to discuss. He texed back more word vomit. 

Anyway, I felt more hopeless than usual last week because we thought THIS IS IT, THE TURNING POINT and we failed to gain a foothold.

Then there's a whole other situation that I don't have the energy to discuss just yet. 

I'm struggling to keep up with life right now. I ignored my almost finished Christmas card poem to chat with you. Do you feel special? Sometimes I'd just rather share with you, than surf the web for a used iPad or risk losing my voice in a screaming fest geared at my computer as I try in vain to put together my mail merge to print envelopes for my cards.

This here post made me feel better, not sure it did anything for you. Maybe I'll pause my awesome, un-time-stamped posts for a bit until life is more calm. I crack myself up. I mean the Christmas cards will mail themselves, right?


Nicole MacPherson said...

My two cents? I think you should just write from the heart. That's what - in my opinion - a blog is for, to write what you feel and not worry about old stories when you have something to say about today. I'm sorry you're so stressed out right now. I hope you can get some rest and some respite from the ongoing stressful Lad situation.

Ernie said...

Nicole - I appreciate that. I typically have SOMETHING to say daily and writing daily isn't usually possible. Maybe if I limit the length (a true challenge), it'll be more doable. ;)

I slept 9 hrs last night by eating dinner early and guzzling most of my water before 5 pm. Looking forward to a day without brain fog.

Lad just overdrew his bank account. Now he has no money and won't be paid for 2 days. The last thing he spent money on? Betting on Fanduel. Ugh.

Kari said...

I think you should take Mini's clothes and put them in the living room and make a Christmas tree out of them! For real. Decorate them with lights and everything. OMG DO ITTTT. You can call it "self-care".

Sorry you are still stressed about everything. Sending you a hug. Xoxo

Beth Cotell said...

Definitely keep writing here especially if it helps you sort things out and is a stress reliever!! I enjoy the in the moment updates! This time of year is so stinking stressful I say so what calms you and brings peace!

Suzanne said...

I'm sorry you're under so much stress right now - it's such a complicated time of year and that's not to mention all the added anxieties with Lad and the pandemic and everything else. I hope things calm down for you soon.

KP said...

I am sorry you are so stressed. Remember getting on a plane and the stewardess would say ",,, and then the oxygen masks will drop down, If you are traveling with someone, FIRST put on your own mask". You can't help anyone if you are dead. If you don't take care of yourself first, then your ability to care for all who depend on you will get lessened.

So sorry about Lad, hitting bottom makes the ugly sound you fear, but there is no moving on until he does. Let him, it is a gift.
Tell Mini Santa doesn't give gifts to people who don't take care of what they have. Then say no more; just make sure that Santa doesn't bring more gifts to people who don't take care of what they have.

And honestly, none of your followers is going to die because we have to wait to read something that we don't even know is coming. It isn't critical. It's interesting for us and an outlet for you, but empires will neither rise nor fall because of this.

If you don't take better care of your self, in all ways, then you will be less able to care for your children, your husband, your babysitting kids, your real word friend, your personal commitments. MORAL TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Everything else flows from that.

Ernie said...

Kari - tempting. I have been known to throw kids' stuff out the window before. I haven't been back in there since she packed up her summer stuff. Hoping there will be a noticeable difference. She even admitted to me last night that she doesn't need anything for Christmas. I do have fun, very inexpensive gifts that everyone on my list is getting. Will share in an upcoming post.

I slept 9 hrs last night. What a difference. Gotta keep that up.

Ernie said...

Beth - Writing DOES help me sort through my thoughts, and with any luck I see the humorous side to stuff that is otherwise eating away at me. It is going to be in the 50s Wed and Thurs here and I think walking outside will be awesome. The perk of having kids e-learning . . . I can leave the house during naptime.

Ernie said...

Suzanne - I honestly don't feel that worked up about Christmas - yet. I feel like I have a handle on my gift buying. It's just finding time for everything. I get panicky if I don't have a couple of 'go-to' posts in case I can't carve out time to write. Then I end up wishing I had time to write something current. It's a constant circle. I do feel better today after a good night's sleep.

Ernie said...

KP - I agree. Getting my sleep back to normal is a huge priority because if I keep trying to function with a fuzzy brain the ship will go down.

It is really frustrating to deal with Lad's nonsense. I could use a crystal ball so I would know how much longer till he realizes this is his battle. Not ours.

I don't think posting my saved posts vs 'fresh' stuff will really matter to anyone, because it isn't irrelevant. It does sometimes make me feel disorganized to have so much in my brain that I want to share and no time to do it. Couldn't we all just do a group phone call? Kidding.

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this, but I am so thankful you are blogging the real world stuff. Unfortunately, my life has so many similarities to yours, except for the Irish dancing part. Just reading your blog and seeing that I am not alone helps me. We are all doing our best, with what we have and are able to do at the time. We can only pray that things will improve.

Thankfully, I don't have problems sleeping, I tend to oversleep when stressed.

ccr in MA said...

I have been in a similar place with my blog recently: I like to blog, to organize my thoughts, to share good things and bad, but recently I just haven't been feeling it. I have a month's worth of stuff I meant to write up, and I just keep ... not? It's odd. This year has just been such a year, and I think it's wearing me down.

Hang in there, do what you can and you want to (as much as possible), and the readers will be here when you are!

Pat Birnie said...

I agree with the other commenters; just write what you feel like sharing at the time, save some of the oldies for when you have (even) less time. We will all survive and hopefully your stress will lessen. I had 4 kids with rooms like that. It sort of drove me crazy but I tried not to obsess about it. Every once in a while I’d freak out and scream at them to clean the eff up. There was only one of me and 4 of them so I didn’t want to spend all my time bitching at them. They will grow up and your life will settle down, I promise. Also m8ne all have semi-tidy homes of their own now! Ladd needs to hit bottom and he will have to sort it out. It’s absolutely the hardest part of parenting. (But sorry to say there will always be issues to hurt your mom heart- that’s what being a parent is!).

If I can offer a suggestion about tracking your water intake through the day. Get your large glass or bottle and if your goal is to drink 8 of them, put 8 rubber bands near the top of the glass in the morning. Every time you finish a glass move a band to the bottom. When all 8 are at the bottom - you are done! It helps me to get my consumption in before the evening at which point I just drink if I’m thirsty - fewer pee trips in the middle of the night!

Suz said...

I agree with Nicole. Don't stress about the blog even though it's what you'd RATHER do. I get it. But you've got to deal with life. Christmas. Lad. Goodness...when will he come to his senses?!?!
We will be here whenever. I often get behind on reading posts and it kind of stresses me a bit, but then I realize I DO have a life and I DO get busy. (not as busy as you though, hands down, you win that one!)
I do love the up to the minute updates's real life. I know my blog isn't anything riveting, but I usually write it just before I post it.
That being said, I just started and finished a post (in the last hour) that is pretty damn funny. You'll enjoy it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next when you have a few minutes.
Big hugs my friend. I'm sorry things are piling on you. Sending love and prayers from sunny Fl.

That closet. WHAT THE HELL GIRLS???

Suz said...

Also, I love Pat's idea with the rubber bands on the bottle of water---GENIUS!!!

Gigi said...

Look, you have a LOT on your plate right now in real life - this blog shouldn't be adding to that burden. Here's the deal - YOU are the boss of your blog - not the other way around. Blogging doesn't mean that you have to to share every little thing, in order. You make the rules. Give yourself some grace.

Cheryl said...

I do the same thing with water. I forget to drink and than I guzzle too much too late. At least you are aware that you need to drink and keep hydrated. Too many people don't realize the importance.

Your daughter's closet reminds me of my husband's when I don't get on him. Only he knows what he wants to keep. So, we have an old fashioned purge. I sit on the bed and have him take everything out and make a keep, donate and fix pile. Goodwill is happy, I'm happy and he can find shit easier. Win. Win. Win.

I am hoping Lad wakes up some day...guess it's just gonna take a bit longer. There's always that one kid...

Thank you for sharing your real life with all of us. It's a whole different animal when you have a boatload of kids living under the same roof. I hated it when growing up, but I really miss it I live vicariously thru you and yours! :)

Ernie said...

Kathy - Sorry to hear that you are having some similar issues. Glad they don't include crappy Irish dancing judges. ;) I definitely agree: doing our best is all we can do.

I miss the days when oversleeping was physically possible. Before I was diagnosed with celiac, I would sometimes fall asleep on the couch FOR HOURS after dinner and then crawl into bed and still feel tired in the morning. I had no iron stores. Like zero. Damn gluten.

Ernie said...

CCR - It does suck when we don't feel up to something that is something we enjoy. I loved taking the writing class that wrapped up TODAY, but sometimes when an assignment stressed me out - I ended up blogging as a little release. Super helpful. I wanted to finish my Christmas poem last night, but I felt better after I blogged and just got stuff off my chest.

Ernie said...

Pat - I don't think any of my readers mind what I write about - it was becoming more of an organizational issue for my brain. And my brain was hurting from sleep deprivation. Love the water /rubberband idea.

I don't really stress about Mini's closet, but sweet Jesus - every once in a blue moon, put something away. She is missing a nice pair of leggings currently. I know this because I have the same pair in my size. So no telling me they don't exist. CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND YOU WILL FIND THEM. Ugh.

I keep hoping Lad starts to grasp that this is his issue, not ours. It's a roller coaster.

Ernie said...

Suz - I know, you're right. All of you. I should just do what I have time for. I felt much better after posting last night. The Christmas poem isn't done, but maybe tonight.

Coach and I continue to map out a plan to get Lad to pull his head out of his ass, but unfortunately it prob won't happen until he decides. I have this weird vision of him behaving like the daughter in Steel Magnolias when she has a diabetic problem while getting her hair done and messes her hair up and then says: "Sorry Mama!" Come on, Lad - say sorry and get help.

I love your blog. Always happy to see a post pop up and I will look forward to the one tomorrow. I don't have a car most days now, so I may not be as busy as I appear.

Oh, speaking of messy girl rooms, I forgot in my upcoming post to mention the gift I bought Coach, which was one of the reasons I started that post. (runs off to add it).

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Ernie said...

Gigi - Good advice. Funny, I say these same things to my kids, yet I forget that they could apply to my blog. I'm the boss. I make the rules. I don't usually worry about the order of topics in the blog, but I was just starting to feel behind in what I wanted to say. Taking a deep breath, it is just a blog.

Ernie said...

Cheryl - I read your comment like this initially: I sit on the bed and he takes everything OFF, I know you wrote OUT, but I misread it at first. I was about to respond with: NOT THAT KIND OF BLOG, CHERYL! I cracked up at my poor reading skills.

Glad you enjoy my boatload of kid stories. Live vicariously without the accompanying mess.

The Lad ordeal is so troubling, but being busy I just have my moments when I think SERIOUSLY?! Coach had his moment tonight, all of a sudden looked at me and said, "HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?" It's a mess.