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November 2, 2020

DMV made me do it, swim cap, & 'Beware of lady'

My drivers license expires end of December on my, AHEM, 50th birthday. I'm starting to lose hope of celebrating my 50th in any sort of interesting, unique, possible-travel-inspired-warm-weather sort of way. Thanks, Pandemic. Apparently surviving countless birthdays with combo Christmas/birthday gifts wasn't enough.

Last week marks the last week this school year that I'll babysit 3 days a week. Today (Monday) I start my 5 day a week schedule. I'm not gonna lie: dreading it, but I also know I'm great at pivoting. My freshman year b-ball coach would probably agree, pivoting . . . ALL I was good at. I'll adjust to my new 5-days schedule in no time. 

I thought I'd try to renew my license Friday, my last weekday off. I never made it to the bank Thursday to retrieve my birth certificate, etc. Instead I did the bank Friday morning. I figured I'd do the dreaded DMV on Saturday. Maybe Halloween would be less crowded. Fingers crossed.

I didn't want to miss my Saturday am workout class. I decided arriving before lunch would be fine. I brought my book, anticipating a long wait. I ate a bowl of cereal before I went because I feared starvation might end with me passing out if I got stuck there. 

A dietary update:  I've been avoiding eating between meals. Sticking to eating very specific things. I suppose you could call this dieting, but mostly I am just avoiding eating more than necessary. Um, GF cereal - not on my approved list. 

So, now I was off to the DMV with cereal-eating guilt.

I parked and joined the mile long line. The weather was decent. Upper 50s. Sun was out. 

Worker guy positioned at the end of the line WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Me:  MY LICENSE EXPIRES, GETTING A REAL ID.

Worker guy:  OH, WE AREN'T DOING ANY MORE REAL IDs TODAY.

Me:  WELL, I RECEIVED NOT ONE BUT TWO LETTERS ABOUT THIS WITH LOTS OF DETAILS AND NO WHERE DID IT STATE THAT YOU ONLY DO REAL IDs FOR SPECIFIC HOURS. THIS IS ASSININE. 

He went on to explain:  some locations are different, so can't be explained in a letter. 

Me:  I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN. (channeling my inner Scarlet). 

Why not print, SOME PLACES ONLY OFFER REAL IDs IN THE AM? Call me a word smith, but WHY IS COMMUNICATION HARD?

Why is it I can't have a single pleasant DMV experience? (so many questions)

Not wanting to waste another minute of my day, I stormed back to my car. As I drove away, I considered doing a U-turn and driving my fricking minivan THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE DMV. (like, actually)

Yep. I was THAT mad. I pay taxes. How dare the government not value my time. I wasted 45-50 minutes in my round trip drive. I'M FEELING MORE AND MORE HOW EVERY MINUTE COUNTS AS MY 5-DAY-A-WEEK SITTING LOOMS.

I came home and told the kids that they almost saw me on the news with our minivan inside the DMV. Note:  I'm able to let some things roll, like Tank skipping the ACT - other times, I HAVE NO PATIENCE. AT ALL. 

I attribute the relaxed approach to:  oh, dang pandemic, and the lack of patience to:  HELLISH LADDIE SITUATION. 

I decided to go for a walk to blow off some steam. I recently ordered a hat to wear if I walk in cold/windy weather. My ears get cold, so I needed an ear-covering hat. 

Mini walked into the kitchen as I was tying my shoes:  WHAT'S WRONG? 

Tank:  DON'T ASK HER THAT!

Too late, I shout-told the DMV incident all over again. Tank eye-rolled and Mini shrugged:  WELL I DIDN'T KNOW . . .  I ALREADY ASKED BEFORE YOU TOLD ME NOT TO. 

All of this, as if I wasn't in the room. 

Then I put on my new hat. The thing about being ticked off in our family is rage is never allowed to last long. There are always distractions.

Mini bust a gut laughing. She didn't even try to hide that she was laughing at me.

Mini:  WHAT IS THAT? 

Me:  MY NEW HAT. I GOT IT TO KEEP MY EARS WARM. 

Mini:  UM , OK. HAVE A NICE SWIM. 

I wish my nose was this cute. If this doesn't scream Halloween, I don't know what does. I was just trying to show the hat, but hard to crop my face out of it. Between the 'swim cap' and the face-lift, I assume this counts as your belly laugh for the day, so you're welcome.

I looked in the mirror and yes, I looked a notch beyond ridiculous. Now we were all  laughing . . . at me. Tank, the wise-ass that he is, congratulated Mini for the swim cap comment as if he's the only one who can champion funny.

I walked with the sweatshirt hood up, hiding my rocking the swim-cap look. I stopped at my folk's patio on my way back and talked to my mom through her sliding glass door. I removed the hood during the walk-too toasty. 

My mom chuckled at the 'enjoy your swim' story. She cringe-laughed at the DMV story and waved at me to stop shouting the 'F' word as I retold it - with her eyes darting around worried neighbors or golfers on the hole behind their house might hear me, as if that would deter me. By the time I told her how the Irish dancing world is threatening to mess with my Yellowstone trip this summer (story to follow), she was tearing up from laughing so hard. 

Happy that my misery serves as a good laugh for my shut-in mother. Just doing  my part. 

Mini sporting the Goldilocks apron I made
her years ago. It's a tad small, but it's also super easy.

We put candy out on a stool on the front porch. I was in the study - steps from the front door. When I heard trick-or-treaters approach, I looked out the window. Little kids with parents, no issue. Punk-ass pre-teen boys:  I hopped from my chair to observe.


One boy helped himself to fistfuls of candy. 

I threw open the door and hollered:  HEY, GET BACK HERE. YOU THINK THAT WAS RIGHT TO TAKE MOST OF THE CANDY? YOU THINK MAYBE I LEFT THAT OUT THERE FOR PEOPLE BESIDES JUST YOU?

Boy with no manners, pivoting to return candy:  SORRY.

Me:  ARE YOU? BEHAVE!

You've seen signs 'BEWARE OF DOG' maybe we 
should've posted 'BEWARE OF ANGRY RESIDENT'

It happened another time, too. I yelled at the next group of boys while Coach cackled away from the family room. He should know better than that. I need no encouragement.

So, if our tires get slashed again we MIGHT have an idea why. Who knew that cereal-guilt combined with a DMV pisser could fire me up like this? 

Anyone out there have a pleasant DMV experience? HOW? Best Halloween costume you wore or you saw?

18 comments:

Nicole MacPherson said...

Hahahaha, for the record I don't think that hat is so bad! At least it's warm. It's all about comfort! I asked my sons about putting out a "take one" candy bowl for Halloween and they were like, are you crazy, do you know what people are like? Ah, it's true. On another note, I always feel bad for people with December birthdays, seems like they all have birthday/ Xmas combo gifts. My friend who has a birthday on Boxing Day said her birthday is almost always forgotten!

Ernie said...

Nicole - It comes as no surprise that you would see the necessity of a good hat.

Those candy-thieving rascals.

My brother, Pat's birthday is the 27th, mine the 30th - he was born BEFORE I tuned 1. My folks totally ran out of steam between Christmas, Pat's bday, and mine.

Dec. 20th we moved from Iowa back to Chicago when I was turning 6. We had a gingerbread house that was a going away gift. It served as dessert at Christmas, then as Pat's 'cake' and by the time it was my birthday all that was left was the gumdrop sidewalk. Pathetic.

Suz said...

Sorry that I laughed at Mini's swim cap comment, but that was pure gold. BUT, if your ears are warm, maybe you'll simmer down with all the issues that you've been hit with lately? Maybe not, but it's worth a try.
I actually went to the DMV a few weeks ago to turn in a tag and renew two others; I was in and out in 10 minutes. I was also AMAZED that I was in and out in 10 minutes.
Sorry about your issue there, but really, that's a bunch of horseshit if they don't TELL you ahead of time.

Laughing at you retelling your Mom your woes with all the F-bombs in there. Remind me again why you are the black sheep of the family? LOL!

Teenagers taking too much candy should be zapped with something slightly painful to remind them to be good humans.

Kara said...

Arizona has a wonderful 3rd Party DMV system. You pay a little extra (like 15-20% more) but you never actually have to go to the DMV. They actually do appointments and stick to those appointments times. We got our Real ID's in 20 minutes. When my kid passes her driver's test (also outsourced), we'll go to the 3rd party with her certificate and get her license in just a few minutes. The extra cost is worth the lesser time.

Suzanne said...

Why are all DMVs so horrible? Is it a rule???

I strongly considered putting out a "take one" bowl of candy, but I have done that in the past when we weren't home and I don't think it works well. Plus, the bowl always ends up in the bushes -- probably some kid annoyed that it was empty two minutes after trick-or-treating started threw it there. But I applaud your efforts!

Kari Wagner Hoban said...

DMV's are the third circle of hell. It's like, a rule. Isn't that in the Bible?

I love LOVE that shower cap, swim cap, whatever it is. I bought a cap like that for walking in the forest preserves in spring. I think it's a biking cap and I look like a sex offender when I wear it. It's classy. I am sure you look much better. But that picture-drawing is going to give me nightmares. LMAO

I would have paid cash money to hear you yell at your trick or treaters. Now THAT is entertainment. :)

Ernie said...

Suz - laugh away. It was funny enough to break my tempted-to-drive-thru-the-DMV mood, so I am with you. And, we know it's a funny comment when Tank gives her kudos. That boy.

I knew at least SOMEONE would have a freakishly positive DMV experience. Insert eye roll.

Yes, black sheep all the way. My mom says 'shit' on a rare occasion. She's also never had a speeding ticket and has probably never barked at trick or treaters. If it weren't for the ski-slope nose that we are both 'blessed' with (that I conveniently erased in my doctored photo here, cheapest nose job ever) - I would think I was adopted.

These punks were younger than teenagers - they are getting bold younger and younger, or I am getting older and older. I think my growling at them is probably more of a deterrent than any form of zap.

Ernie said...

Kara - IN ALL SERIOUSNESS . . . I now want to open a 3rd party DMV. I can sew angel wings on my clothes since I will be an angel to all Illinois drivers. How can I go about doing this? I see a big garage sale in my future where I sell my 5 pack and plays and 3 high chairs and other baby crap to embrace my new calling. Maybe Kari will open one up north in Illinois and I can open one in the western suburbs. Kari - you in? People will LOVE us, and I am guessing it would be a money making deal, not that I'm not totally motivated by helping people who want to strangle DMV workers. That college tuition adds up.

Ernie said...

Suzanne - A visit to the DMV is a guaranteed way to ruin a day.

I felt like me sitting nearby would be a sure fire way to cut down on kids being punks . . . of course they didn't know I could see them but the candy handing out had JUST begun. It was sunny out - how are they so fearless? My house has windows and a residing Pitbull in the shape of a grumpy mother.

Ernie said...

Kari - see my comment above for our new business venture: 3rd party DMV. Illinois needs this and we are the rays of sunshine to bring it to the people.

My new hat is also supposed to or able to be worn under a biking helmet. Maybe I need to keep my hair down so I don't look so SEVERE.

I apologize for not having a video. I am feeling very confrontational of late and I should be followed with a video camera at all times because one never knows. Step off Borat. You may be funny and offensive, I am just ticked off.

Charlie said...

Not gonna lie Ernie, your ‘face’ in that photo kind of freaks me out a bit! I don’t see a ‘cute’ nose there! We don’t have DMVs in the U.K. and I’m not upset about that after reading all the horror stories here! My driving license lasts about 25 years, and new drivers send off for theirs postally or online. I’m so sorry plans for your birthday may not go as hoped. I was so lucky I got to celebrate my 50th in New York in February (before a year full of Covid and breast cancer of course!) So if you can’t celebrate at the actual time you just need to postpone, not cancel. Just stretch out those 50th celebrations. I fully intend to do that to, and I actually got to start my celebrations! Lastly - does that make you and Pat proper Irish Twins?

Ernie said...

Charlie - Ha! Yes, that doctored up photo did not turn out all that cute.

No DMV makes me want to consider moving to the UK.

I'm glad you got your b-day celebration in - just in time. You needed that before the difficulties that headed your way after.

I am not sure how 'proper' we are - not sure if we needed to be born in the same calendar year. I feel like someone told me that once, but we were born less than a year apart. Just barely. My dad, the accountant, told my mom after have a girl every other year that they needed to hit the in-between years and voila - a boy. Then another boy the next year. You'd think my parents were pushing 45 or something. Nope - my mom had my youngest brother when she was 30. Where was the fire?

Gigi said...

I was all set to get the Real ID and then Covid hit. I don't know that the urgency to get one is there right now as it seems I just read they've knocked back the start date to next August. So for now, you may be able to just renew your regular license online and once *all of this* is past you can re-visit the DMV for the Real ID.

Ernie said...

Gigi - I wondered the same thing, but no where on my letters does it say that I can wait to renew (I have a friend who said her renewal is pushed back a year, but she is younger than me) and I am being required to take a vision test. I'm guessing that's why I can't do it online and as long as I am there I feel like I may as well get the REAL ID. Lord knows, I don't want to have to go back.

Bibliomama said...

I think the DMV is MANDATED to be uniformly horrible. My friends and I who had rounds one and two of kids at the same time took them all to get their G1 licenses so we could at least bitch and complain and mock the horrible employees together.

The hat thing reminded me of when I hosted book club one time in winter and as people were getting ready to leave, one member looked up the stairs at another one who was swathing herself in hat and scarf, raised her eyebrows and said "it's not that cold out". The swathed member replied "I value warmth more than anything society has to offer". Wear the goofy hat proudly.

Ernie said...

Ali - Going with a group might be the only way to tolerate it. Perhaps with a tailgate in the parking lot with plenty of adult beverages - assuming the kids could drive home and all. I will say the employee that sang 'Good golly Miss Molly' last year LOUDLY when my kid lost her permit in under 2 weeks deserved a raise. He brought it that day.

That is a great quote. I feel it should be on a tee-shirt. I am a major bad weather wimp, plus once it gets icy here I only exercise indoors, but when it is cold but walkable - I will wear the hat, even if the kids insist that I wear swim goggles with it to complete 'the look.'

Ally Bean said...

Ah yes. The convoluted joy of attempting to get an official national level drivers license/official id. We went through that last December and I feel your irritation. 'Tis not easy-- and I'm married to a lawyer who reads the fine print. He got all the details and times and documents wrong. Oddly enough when we finally got our drivers licenses we thought we'd be good to go in 2020, ready to travel far and wide. Well that didn't happen did it?

Ernie said...

Ally- I feel over prepared with more documents than what they requested. I read over the two letters multiple times. One noted I needed a vision test- the other didn't. Otherwise the same. YET NEITHER NOTED REAL IDs being distributed to early birds, which is usually how I role. Maddening.