August 24, 2020

seeing is believing, misplaced item on vacation ordeal, take 2

Coach and I took 5 of the kids to Michigan on Aug. 7th.  Laddie decided not to go.  Long story.  

While in Michigan we celebrated our 24th anniversary.  August 10th.  

We stayed in an Airbnb and by jove when they said the house slept 8, it ACTUALLY slept 8 . . . such a revelation.  'Member the condo in Vancouver that invited us with their:  "hey, sleeps 8" when in reality there was space for 3?  We were glad that trickery was not part of this rental.  Without Lad we had even more space.  The girls were expected to share a full size bed, but instead no one shared.  That created the kind of peace one comes to expect on vacation.  Crazy, right?

The first morning Coach and I decided to go for a walk.  He doesn't usually like to walk as far as I do, so he warned me that he might ditch me.  I got dressed and when I was downstairs I told him that I was having a hard time seeing out of one of my contact lenses.  It was blurry.  Blurry contacts is usually a late night thing when I am about to go to bed.  Very few things make me grouchier than a painful or malfunctioning contact lens.

I put a re-wetting drop in the eye and off we went.  

Coach kept pointing stuff out to me on the walk:  Look at that awesome house. And:  Oh, here's another public beach I thought we might try out.  

I was super annoyed because I COULD NOT SEE.  

Coach wondered if I really got my contact in my eye or if I dropped it.  I have worn contacts for over 30 years and the issue he described is really more of a rookie issue.  Just ask Reggie.  A story for another time.

I started questioning what could really be going on with my eye, as one does.  Like, what kind of debilitating disease could I have woken up with that would cause me to suddenly go blind in one eye?  Coach doesn't enjoy playing along with this kind of game, so he was all 'STOP!'  Oh, and the other eye was not experiencing normal vision either, just not as drastic.


I always travel with a spare pair of contacts.  I told Coach I was not going to continue on walking without him, my seeing-eye-dog, plus it was getting late and we needed to get kids moving so we could get to the beach.  We returned to the house and I took the failing contact lens from my left eye. 

I live in fear of being without contact lenses, so I put it in my holder 'just in case.'  I kept saying, "It doesn't hurt, it just isn't helping me see any better."  I mean contacts have just the one job after-all, right?

I popped in a brand new lens, and magic.  I could see!  I was so relieved.  

I dumped the goofy lens in the toilet just as Coach stepped out of the shower.  This house was old and the bathroom was pretty small.  The counter space was crowded.

Coach (dripping wet, listening to me celebrate my newly restored vision):  Wait . . . what?  Whose?  Where are MY contact lenses? 

Me:  (BLINKING WILDLY) Ahhhh!  Shit.  

I try to avoid showing faces, but I could not resist
 leaving Tank and Reg in the background.  They
 are laughing as they approach and plan to photo
 bomb our picture.  Mini was taking this on our
 anniversary.  Coach leaned over to remove my hat 
and then (cue the music) he kissed me, I was not
 expecting it and the kids thought it was a riot.  Would
 be a perfect photo at preserving our true identity, but 
then the boys blew it.  I guess I could pretend that
 Coach was trying to check to see if my contacts
 were where they belonged, but who would buy that?

I glanced down at the tiny counter space and there pushed over to the right side of the sink was MY CONTACT CASE, UNOPENED, still housing my perfectly fine, happy-to-correct-my-vision lenses.  

Coach's case:  opened and . . . empty.

Me:  Oh my gosh!  Coach, wait (spinning around in the tiny space) - it's still there, I just threw it in the toilet, but I can see it, I haven't flushed.  I will just reach in there and grab it.  OH MY GOSH, I AM SO SORRY!  I didn't know.  I'm a lefty, your case was on the left side.  I, I, I can't believe I did that!

Coach:  It's OK.  I am not putting a contact in my eye that has been in the toilet of a RENTAL HOUSE DURING A PANDEMIC.

Side note:  Coach does not wear his contacts everyday.  We wish he did, because when he watches TV, especially sports, or if let's say he tries to see my expression to see if I am really ticked or just slightly ticked about something . . . he squints in an awful, squished face sort of way, while leaning his forehead towards me.  Obviously he is not as blind as I am, ahem - especially in his left eye.  He kept insisting that he had a spare pair with him, but I didn't believe him.  I was bent over the toilet, ready to plunge my arm in and fish the lens out.  Nothing says love quite like that, am I right?

Me:  That's what contact lens cleaner is for, I will just get it out and you can clean it.  

Coach:  I am peeing in that toilet so that you don't try to get the lens out of there.  Oh, pee is sterile, but STILL . . . Move away from the toilet!  I mean it.  I am not wearing it ever again.  I have others!  STOP!!!  

We exited the bathroom and there were the 5 kids sitting on the bed wondering what the hell we were arguing about.  I begged them to side with me and let me get the contact out of the toilet, but they sided with Coach and LAUGHED THEIR BUTTS OFF AT ME.  Clearly they were not all operating out of guilt like me.  

Instead of fishing the discarded lens out of the toilet, I plucked the right lens out of my eye and sheepishly offered it to him.  "Here's your other one.  Sorry."  

This was our second out of town visit when someone put something in the wrong bodily place, and if you haven't read that somewhat related, OK- not at all related but even funnier, misstep, then I urge you to check it out here.

Is it just me, or are you all on the edge of your seat waiting to see what other adventures we have during our next 24 years?




Ally Bean said...

And this is why I stopped wearing contact lenses decades ago. So much bother, so little reward. Yep, I'm happy for you to wear them, but as for me and my face... there are spectacles!

Kari said...

That is SUCH a good picture! You need to frame that. :)
I can't wear contacts. I have issues with putting my fingers in my eyes.
And my belly buttons. I am random. Essentially, orifices. I would make a horrible lesbian.

Suzanne said...

I have done something similar with my husband's glasses! It is so disorienting!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my goodness...ONLY YOU!!! I giggled so hard once I realized YOU stole his contact. It's never ending shenanigans with your family.
And I for one, can never forget the tampon story. Never.
LOVE the picture of you two. And your bombers.

Ernie said...

Ally - I hate glasses so very much. They are always in my way, especially when it rains or when I sweat and they slip down my nose. Now that I am older, I am stuck wearing readers. I am actually thinking the next time I go to the eye doc I might ask about options to be able to incorporate my readers into my contacts. It doesn't help that my glasses are over 12 years old, outdated, and yucky.

Kari - Oh my gosh - I was not expecting that. I have told you that I struggle to put things in: contacts, tampons, earrings. Of those three I still don't have pierced ears. Never bothered. Rather not pass out trying to accessorize, you know? But, I TOO hate when anything gets near my belly button. Maybe you have a touch of vaso vagel too. Um, I never thought about the fact that this issue might interfere with my life had I been a lesbian, but you raise an interesting point. Of course.

Suzanne- Reg started wearing glasses that look similar to Coach's. Neither of them keep the glasses on at all times, so they have put on the wrong ones at times and I have picked up Reggie's when he leaves them on the kitchen counter to go play basketball, thinking they were my readers. Disorienting is right.

Suz - It was SO damn funny. He has not worn contacts for very long and doesn't even bother to put them in each day - and I get why, he is not nearly as blind as me because his contacts did little to help me. I am surprised this hasn't happened before, but I guess we are used to more counter space - even when staying at a hotel. We usually carve out our own space. The timing was INSANE - like seconds after I dumped his perfectly fine lens in the toilet, he starts guffawing. We were quite entertained, as were the children who were waiting in the bedroom with their 'WHAT NOW?' expressions.

The tampon story ranks as one of the funniest things I have ever been a part of. Seriously. And to think, I almost stayed home from KC because Lad would not get in the car. Couldn't leave him here with the other two brothers. Would not have ended well. I guess the girls could see how much they would need me, because they were both like 'NO!' Too bad tampon conversations are not more mainstream, because SO FUNNY.

I guess we are not much for PDA, because Curly was like 'oh my gosh, you kissed!' We like to express our love openly in other ways, like sharing contact lenses and letting pricey swing sets not destroy us. ;)

Gigi said...

Although lately, I'm sticking with my glasses, I am SO glad The Husband doesn't wear contacts because I can totally see that happening to us! Happy Anniversary! And yes, that picture needs to be framed!

Ernie said...

Gigi - For years I used the same all white contact lens holder, and now Coach and I both use the same free ones that come with the container of contact cleaning solution. It does surprise me that this hasn't happened before. Oh my gosh, I am surprised at how much people are enjoying the goofy photo.

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary! Love the photo of you and your Coach... with the kids photo bombing. Perfect! Your contact story cracked me up. Also that’s true love right there - being willing to go fish in toilet water to rescue hubby’s contact lense. You guys are adorable.

I hear ya about glasses too. I used to wear contacts but suddenly could not deal with the ick factor. Weird because I have no prob dealing with cat vomit, horse “offerings”, etc. But my own eyeballs? *vapors* Eyeglasses for me now. But the world’s best optician fitted me with the world’s best eyeglasses a couple years ago. So comfy. So lightweight. I think they may be magical. Just wanted to give ya hope on the reader eyeglass front if reader contact lenses don’t work. Maybe your perfect readers are out there. :-)


Ernie said...

Maddie - magical glasses? That sounds good. Crazy that you have gotten grossed out AFTER wearing contacts. I feel like my gross-out threshold has been raised over the years out of necessity. The contact lens borrowing was super funny. Still can't believe it didn't dawn on me when I couldn't see right. What can I say, we need our personal space in the bathroom.

Nicole MacPherson said...

Happy anniversary! The contact mix up made me laugh.

Ernie said...

Thanks! It made us laugh too. Fortunately Coach is not as reliant on his lenses as I am on mine.

Beth Cotell said...

I am VERY glad Coach did not use that contact lens. :)

Ernie said...

Beth - the things I almost do based on guilt . . . hee hee.

Bibliomama said...

I don't get the big deal about the contact being in the toilet either - that's what cleaner is for. Great story, though - the one time I did that and couldn't figure out why I couldn't see, I had inadvertently put two pairs in and then the two contacts actually went into my eye. I was in full-on panic mode until I figured it out. I LOVE that photo - the boys look so happy and un-teenagery.

Ernie said...

Ali - See, soap - it cleans. We are not wrong. Luckily he wasn't as desperately in need of saving a contact like I would have been. Having sampled his 'strength', he clearly barely needs to wear them, or at least that one. Two sets of contacts - that would have totally sent me over the edge and had me feeling like an alien. Yikes. Back in the day when we had to plug our cases into the wall to heat them overnight, I occasionally would use the wrong stuff to rinse them (like use the soap instead of the saline) or whatever and I would be writhing around in pain desperately trying to get the contact out of my eye. Pure pain, and not easy to extract a lens when you are barely breathing because of the pain. Boys looking un-teenagery - hee hee. Nothing like a beach to make them all behave like little kids.