June 22, 2020

more dad jokes, and a special delivery interception for a certain delightful neighbor

If you missed Friday's installment of Coach's dad jokes, I urge you to check it out here.  It rolls nicely into this post, which I initially tried to combine as one huge post, but I felt strongly that this Mary Ann standout had such stand-alone potential that you might appreciate it all on its own.  

Oh, any newbies:  Mary Ann is my incredibly self-involved neighbor who holds herself up as a VERY Christian woman.  She has done things over the years like:

1.  demand I sew her kid's sweatshirt when the pocket got torn in a backyard game of little boy football, 

2.  crossed the street in a huff to instruct me that under no circumstances was I allowed to race her to school in my van (even though my not-so-discreetly racing her was such a rush and my kids were THRILLED with me, their do-anything-to-encourage-kids-to-get-in-the-car-on-time-for-school unsung hero)

3.  insisted visitors to our house move their parked car from her side of the street (perfectly legal to park there) citing that the mailman might not deliver her mail,

4.  and called to scold me for organizing a huge fundraiser for our parish school that inadvertently interfered with one night of her husband's causal basketball league.

Last night I was crazy tired.  As in, Lad brought home 'gluten free' soup from a restaurant where he has been working part time and I ate it and then woke up at 3 am.  Game over.  I honestly wish I knew:  stress, or gluten.  Coulda been either.  Regardless, tired doesn't even cover it.  

I was standing in the kitchen making food.  Coach walked in with the mail.  

Coach:  I just ran into the Mary Anns (Mary Ann, her husband, and their recent HS grad daughter) as they were about to go on their nightly walk.  I congratulated daughter for getting into such a prestigious school.  

I asked her what she was going to study.  *Neuroscience.*  So I told her, way to take the easy way out.  (insert Coach laughing at his own joke, I mean that was kind of implied at this point, but just to be sure we are all on the same page).  Then I said, good maybe you can figure out what is going on in your dad's noggin.  (more self-indulgent chuckles).

Me:  squinting - I guess because I thought it might help me comprehend shit better while I was insanely tired and my brain hurt . . . more so after hearing his conversation with the  Mary Anns.  I kept nodding as his laughing trailed off and I walked over to the mail he just brought it, because there was a black bag.  Hmm, what's this?

People, it was a Victoria Secret bag addressed to Mary Ann.  
Tempting to leave the address readable in case you, my faithful readers, wanted to drop Mary Ann a note and include some instructions on how to be a good neighbor.  Seeing as how I JUST posted about how she could have been expecting a delivery of something personal like sex toys, or a new broom for her to fly around on . . . I found this package super hilarious.  She just so happens to be someone who gets her undies in a bunch about stuff . . . pun intended PLUS a bit of foreshadowing . . . my Wednesday post is all about undies getting bunched.

I envisioned Coach telling his Dad jokes- like 'check your dad's noggin' -to the family while gesturing wildly with a Victoria Secret bag in his hand addressed to a certain grumpy neighbor who hates it when we get her packages.  

I just couldn't.  I doubled over.  Coach did NOT get the humor.  

I was all:  Um, you were waving her bras and thongs around while conversing with the Mary Anns.  Why don't you get it?  (um, this is a joke, we did NOT open the package so we really have no idea what was in there.  It was most likely something very tame and boring).

Coach:  Well, I didn't get our mail until AFTER I was done talking to them, so I was not whipping her bras around in my hand while I was talking to them.  Sheesh.  

No good, regardless of the sequencing here - I saw it play out in a specific, insanely comedic way.  I was lost in an over-tired fit of laughter.  

Tell me you get it.  Funny, right?

Coach:  Reggie, go toss Mary Ann's new lace-covered essentials back in her mailbox before they get back from their walk.  Hurry!

When Mini got home from hanging out with her friends, I described my vision of how things almost played out.  Mini found the humor in it.

I am keeping her, twisty turban and all.  


Kari said...

I have to say, your husband's joke was pretty funny. But neuroscience?? Good Lord, now I really don't like MaryAnn and her daughter.

I bet there was one really kinky outfit in that bag. I bet she is really sick and twisted. The quiet and "Christian" ones ALWAYS are. ;)

Busy Bee Suz said...

I totally found it hilarious. I'm sure since it wasn't a DAD JOKE that your Coach isn't allowed to understand it.

Most likely it was a bathing suit for the neuroscience girlie. right? Is she a bikini kind of girl? Or does she go with what neuroscience people wear....turtlenecks? ;)

I bet there is a lot of places where 'gluten free' is anything but.

Ernie said...

Kari - I knew Mary Ann before I bought this house - friend of a friend. Obviously I did not know her well. So I knew her when she had 3 boys before Ms. Neuroscience was born and ever since Mary Ann has been all about how great her girl is. Ms. Neuro is older than my girls, but she also Irish danced. She was VERY short. And she was a super star - Irish dancers with low center of gravity often do quite well, just saying. When we were at the same studio, the rule was moms had to wait outside to pick up and drop off. My buddy Mary Ann didn't believe the rules applied to her, because Neuro was a champion dancer - so she used to just march right in after class to schmooze with the teachers. Honestly Neuroscience is a nice kid, but I cannot get past the fact that we would congratulate her for her dancing achievements and Mary Ann would recount the excitement of it all but could NEVER turn and tell my younger dancers 'oh, good job.' My kids were not dancing at that advanced level at that time, but their little ceili (group) dances won 1st, etc. How hard is it? I'm sure the neuroscience major is just one more feather in Mary Ann's cap. Better for Coach to have that conversation with her than me. I might puke. Victoria Secret - Kinky, for sure. ;)

Suz - Funny thing . . . when Ms. Neuroscience was born I bought her a very pricey bathing suit as a new baby gift. I didn't live across the street from Mary Ann yet, but I used to see her at our local pool. Friend of a friend. I thought that would be such a perfect gift. She left the 7/8 month old baby home with her parents every single time she went to the pool that summer. Not a huge deal for her not to wear the bathing suit, but I had thought it was such a fitting gift since they were pool people like us. I guess she could be ordering a bikini, but not sure if her folks would let her go to the pool without them even now. A girl parked her SUV close to their mailbox until Mary Ann must have made her move it to their driveway. I assumed it was one of Neuroscience's friends, but then I realized it must be one of the older brothers (all out of college for a few years plus now) girlfriends. I told Mini we should pull her aside and ask her if she is prepared to have the most controlling woman alive in her life. Otherwise, run like hell. Mini agreed it would be a good public service message. Hee hee.

Charlie said...

I don’t know how you had the self control to not open the package “by mistake” and then take it over to her! I would have been DYING to know what was inside!

Ernie said...

Charlie - thanks for reminding me why we are friends. ;) Knowing how irate she gets when an air purifier that was delivered without an outside box to our house - I had to tread lightly. How is it that I live surrounded by neighbors with zero sense of humor? How funny would it have been if I had opened the package and inserted some old underwear with no elastic and removed the actual new stuff for a few hours? Bah, ha, ha. I am just getting started.

Beth Cotell said...

I REALLY wish you had opened that bag!

Ernie said...

Beth - It never even occurred to me, but oh what fun that would have been!