So, you know what's fun? & not an accident

Living with kids approaching final exams or currently taking final exams and also preparing for AP tests and one studying for the June ACT test, well - let me tell you, that is a PARTY.  At last count there are 4 kids who fall into one of these categories.  Not everyone currently forced to live under our roof deals well with stress.  Pretty relaxing for those of us just trying to keep enough food in the fridge to feed the inmates.

And if you happen to be an Irish dancer who attends zoom classes, well - be prepared to be ridiculed and shouted at to pack up your stupid zoom class and move to another room where you might tick off a different sibling. 

Lad's issues have escalated.  Not sure any of you really want to hear about it, but I will try to give you the 'sunny-side' of what this amounts to:  he has not messed with pot in a few weeks, so that's something to celebrate.

We have gathered information after speaking to Lad's therapist, Chip.  I am combining what we have learned from Chip with what we gathered from our close family friend, Lynn, who is also a therapist (different courses of study, I would say without knowing the technical specifics in the type of therapy they do).

On Saturday, Coach needed to see one patient.  Kind of a favor to the company's owner.  They are closed on the weekends, but the owner's favor meant he had to see this woman (who is one of those certifiable patients who obsesses over pain and is convinced she knows how to heal herself, etc.  So BIG favor).  Coach isn't creepy, but seeing a female patient alone in the clinic is NOT part of 'best practices.'  

I agreed to go ride the bike at the clinic during crackpot's appointment.  When she left, he did his patient notes.  I rode 10 miles on the bike, and wanted to get my walk underway.  I started walking home and Coach said he would drive past me and pick me up in about 25 minutes or so.

I literally bumped into Lynn and her husband, the 'Godfather' - he is Reg's godfather, while on my walk.  These two form the most amazing couple.  Anytime I spend time with them, it is like being renewed and filled with peace and hope.  They are a gift.  Lynn actually was my babysitter when I was a toddler.  Crazy, right?  

Coach pulled up and we all talked from 6 feet away on the sidewalk.  We were standing in the front yard of my dear friend, Becky, where I had stopped to say a distant 'hi' to as I walked along.  Becky and Godfather, who had never met, chatted away while Coach and I shared with Lynn some of what has been going on with Lad.

Later, Coach was like "So how does Becky know Godfather?"

Me:  "They didn't know each other."  Coach isn't wired that way - talking to new people nonstop.

The dealio:  As a kid Lad could not catch a break - (click link for details).  Between teachers and classmates, it was a bumpy ride.  Then he came home from school after being picked on and he pushed buttons of the little siblings.  My role in all of this, I am heartbroken to admit, is that I lost my shit with him on the regular.  Coach worked long hours and I had a gaggle of little kids who were constantly crying because Lad would knock down their lego towers, etc.  I did a lot of shouting and blaming and was generally frustrated with Lad.  He learned to take negative attention, and unfortunately I dished it out.

Other people, like coaches and grandparents, failed him.  My dad once asked Ed, "Why are you so skinny when Lad is so fat?"  My dad's solution to my regular frazzled state was that the kids needed a man to sit with us at the dinner table.  When Coach worked late my dad came over and sat at our dinner table.  After the fat comment was made (Lad was probably 6th grade when he was just shy of a major growth spurt and he was packing on the pounds - all temporary) at the dinner table while he THOUGHT he was helping me, I told him "I got this" and told him not to come back.  

Of course you remember the 'book' my dad wrote about his life a few Christmasesago.  He mentions each of his kids in the book and some of our challenges - why not focus on our successes?, well anyway - he pointed out Lad's ADD and then handed a copy to each family member and Lad raced out of the house sobbing.  So painful.

Lad at his art show in '08- water
color painting of Soldier's Field.

So, Lad's role in our family is that of a bully.  Hard cycle to break.  His siblings cringe anticipating he'll drive them nuts or start something.  He has had enough constant little traumas that he struggles in relationships.  Sabotages.  Thinks he isn't worthy.  It never helped that whatever Ed did as a kid turned into a success:  sports, friends, academics.  Even back then I recognized this and that is when I put Lad in swimming, so he had his own 'thing', and that was a positive.  I tried in other ways . .  .  

I enrolled Lad in an art class.  He was in 6th or 7th grade and he won an award for his painting of a duck.  He's an amazing artist.  What I'm trying to say is I tried.  I tried to find ways to celebrate his talents.  I got creative inviting over kids he knew from Irish music lessons to hang out with him when he was struggling with classmates.  Apparently, it was just not enough.

Curly was in a baby carrier sleeping,but here
 are the other hooligans at Lad's art
 show in '08.  Lad's wood duck
painting is the one next to the light
fixture with the orange ribbon. Feeling
 weird covering their sweet faces, because
 doubt anyone would ID them
 from this but old habits.

Chip's theory is all this gets better when Lad doesn't live with us.  He's essentially expecting us to hold tight until Lad can move out and then the tension can ease.  Coach and I are like, huh?  We want him to get help, so he can function in the real world.  His issues are not limited to our family circle.  We hope and pray that there is resolution within our family so that the relationships with the siblings and parents are repaired.

Lynn gave me some tips on active listening - pointed out some ways to try to hear him and how to understand how Lad sees things, experiences things, and how much of this is now about control.  She cannot treat Lad, or any of us.  Too close. Coach and I are leaning towards finding a therapist that will agree to take a more active role in resolving and repairing vs just dusting shit under the rug.  Lynn can probably recommend someone.  I also have a friend whose father is a child psychologist and she said he could give us some names.

The thought of 'starting over' is daunting and exhausting in an already exhausting situation.

Coach looked at me when we got back in the car after our bump-in with Lynn and Godfather.  "I don't think that was an accident.  We needed that and God arranged that."  I couldn't agree more.

We drove home across town.  All 6 kids were out playing volleyball.  Minutes later, fireworks.  Later Lad told us that he coaches Reg and Curly about how to improve their volleyball game.  They don't listen to him, but they WILL listen to Ed.   It doesn't matter that no one has asked for his input.  It should just be fun.  Apparently not the point.

Ed has confided in me that he no longer responds to Lad's little jabs and verbal nonsense.  Lad told Ed in the middle of the night the other night that he was going to beat the fuck out of him.

Yesterday Lad (who is almost 22!) snuck out of the house and hid in the garage to watch Reg play basketball.  After hearing the garage door close, I figured out Lad was not inside.  I knew how this would end:  he would physically push 14 yr old Reg around 'challenging' him to basketball or verbally abuse him as he tried to shoot hoops.  I called Reg back inside.

The other night in the middle of the night, Lad sent Coach and I a photo of a picture of the page in my dad's 'book' detailing Lad's ADD.  Not sure how to heal that scar, or the others for that matter.  

Lad's exams are this week.  I am wondering if this awful behavior spike we are experiencing is because of stress.  Or the fact that we have instructed all the kids not to respond to him and not to police him (eating in the family room, eating food I have reserved for an upcoming meal, etc.) and we are REALLY TRYING to keep things positive - is the fact that we are not feeding off of his explosive energy leaving him reeling?

No idea.  There are bad days and then there are just days.  Hoping you are not walking on eggshells in your in-home sentence.  Hoping that I didn't scare you off with how 'real' life is over here.  For me it feels unreal, honestly.  After growing up in a family full of favoritism and glossing over-ness, I worked so hard to try to raise happy kids who got along.  

Just a never-ending nightmare.  I appreciate you, my readers, my stuck-inside-my-computer friends, and I try to avoid writing about what is actually happening here in my prison so you agree to come back.  Sometimes writing about it does help, so thanks for being here.

This is longer than I intended too, sorry.  Next post will be shorter.  Promise.