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May 11, 2020

laughing at what I THOUGHT I heard Delilah say

My Dad turned 80 on Thursday, and thanks to social distancing I managed NOT  to strangle my sister, Ann with her up-tight to the Nth degree-ness.  Both of my sisters wear their hair VERY short and they have clearly not been able to get their hair cut.  

Long story, but we grew up with boy-length hair.  Mandated by Mom.  To me, the fact that my sisters still wear there hair in a fashion that won't upset Mom is telling.  Mom will only compliment my hair if it falls in the range that she deems short enough to be pretty.  Having had my hair on the longer side (for me, mind you) the last few years, I dare say she'll NEVER compliment my hair again.  
My folks on their driveway- neighbors stood across
the street. Family members did a honking parade
 and then gathered on the driveway from a distance.

Maybe my sisters just like their hair short.  Not criticizing short hair in general -some people look SO great with short hair.  My sisters don't really do much without Mom's approval though, so I feel their hair aligns with this 'pattern'.

I cannot have true, long hair - too thin.  It hangs.  BUT - I am wearing it longer than I have in forevah (only in part thanks to the pandemic) and with certain products and layers and stars aligning and such, I can occasionally have a good hair day.  I had to beg my chin not to drop at the state of my sisters' hair at my folks' house.  There must be something they can try?  

Forgive me for sounding petty, but there is history here.  I worked at my hair that day and my kids complimented it and not only did I not strangle my relations, but I flipped my hair around a couple, two, tree times.  (intentionally spelled it as 'tree')  Ah, it's the little things.  

My Dad's gift.  Little memories, or words that remind
us of him like 'spreadsheet' and 'grumpy' and
 'history buff.'  We gathered over 80 terms. selected
 the top 80, and Mini crafted them
onto a canvas as a keepsake.
We came up with our own gift for Dad and I think it turned out great.  It was funny and honest and unique but best of all.  Lad opted not to join the other kids and I, and that was just fine.  Coach was working.  

Earlier in the day on Thursday, I got to go for a walk with my good friend, Delilah.  We agreed not to embrace or hold hands or spit and it was nice out and we could keep far enough apart as we walked while catching up and that was awesome.  

Delilah called Thursday morning:  "Well, I don't know if I even told you about this, but I had implants a few months back.  One of them is really giving me some trouble.  I just called and they said I could be seen around 11:00.  I know we are supposed to walk at 11:00, but I want to see what you want to do.  Should I call you when I am done at the dentist?"

People, was I the only confused person?  Until Delilah said DENTIST I was like, "Huh?  Implants?"  Before I could tell her I would wait and walk after the dentist thing, I HAD to razz her.  

"Delilah, I thought for a minute there that you were trying to tell me that you had a boob job."

Delilah is a great friend, only in part because she laughs at all my jokes.  She has many other great qualities, like being an excellent listener.  

She has also accompanied me to the zoo and places when I had loads of babysitting kiddos. Remember when her flip-flop broke a nanosecond after we arrived at the zoo?  We went to customer relations and they stapled her flip-flop back together.   

Other than that day when I got to tease her all day about how I managed to get 6 million babies in the van and all of their gear and set up the heaviest, clumsiest quadruple stroller only to watch as her flipping flip-flop broke as we slowly maneuvered through the parking lot - well, other than that, she doesn't usually supply me with such easy material- I usually have to harvest material all on my own.  

So, I could NOT stop teasing her for the boob job I suspected for about 10 seconds that she actually had.  I mean, shit, I haven't laid eyes on her in forever, so anything is possible.  And, as anticipated, Delilah almost died laughing.  

She didn't even tell me until after our walk (where she wore actual athletic shoes with ties because we were exercising and flip flops were ban) when I told her to go out into the world and continue to flaunt her new perky boobs and I finally remembered to ask her if the dental implant thing was 'just food' as she suspected.  

NO, the damn implants fucking failed!  And how many different ways does that suck?  Poor Delilah.  And she knew I had lots to vent about, so she didn't even mention it on our walk- in part she couldn't because she was clearly enjoying it when I tried to tell people we passed on our walk that she had just had a boob job, NO I didn't do that.  I promise. 

Anyway, she will accept your commiserating in the comments below, and she will probably laugh hysterically at being mentioned in the comments.  If you want to be petty and comment about how 'really sad' you are that my two goofy sisters' hair looks frumpy, well that is accepted as well.

You heard me friends, Delilah is waiting.  

By the way, I hope you all had a delightful Mother's Day and felt celebrated for your role in whose-ever life it is you play a role.  Pets, kids, friends, relatives.  I am grateful for all of you - your support and your sense of humor fills my heart on the regular.  


10 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

I love the gift you came up with for your dad; yay for creativity!

Karma karma karma====bad hair. bad hair. bad hair. :) I wish we could see the bad hair ourselves, but we'll have to imagine it.
I'm laughing at your hair flipping; you are so sassy and I love that.

I feel bad for Delilah. I believe having to redo boob implants would be better than dental implants. When I got my implant (dental!) it was a six month ordeal; I'd hate HATE HATE to have to redo it.

The flip flop story was funny though...sorry Delilah!

Kara said...

My mother was the opposite on hair. My sister and I had hair down past our butts (the longest mine was was knee length when I was in 2nd grade), that was always worn in super tight braids. In 6th grade, I managed to get her to agree to a single braid, and in 8th grade, I stopped the braids all together, and started cutting my hair to my waist. Since then, I've done everything from getting a buzz cut to letting it grow. When I started having thyroid issues, one of my big symptoms was losing a lot of hair. Thankfully, that's under control now, and my hair is growing again. Right after new years, I got 10 inches cut off, so my hair was short once again, but it's since grown back to about where my bra hits. We make fun of my Mom now, and her sisters, because they all now have the super short "Nana Hair" that I remember my Grandmother having.

I let my girls do whatever they want with their hair. Cut it, color it, etc. I'll admit, before they had opinions, it was easy to keep it long and braided. My middle daughter (the only brunette, the other two and I are ashy blondes)bleached her hair during the confinement. My oldest has been cutting her hair shorter and shorter. The youngest, well, she's just ignoring her hair.

Ernie said...

Suz - I do think the gift turned out cute. Just the right amount of energy required and we all tossed out words/phrases to describe him. My kids vetoed 'kind'. Just saying.

Oh, the hair. It probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but I felt a little gel, or hair dryer, or attempt might have made it less icky. Speaking of sassy, I wore a new cute, just-cut-the-tags off shirt that I bought pre-pandemic. Very springy. I figured, eh, why not look your best? hee hee.

That implant re-do has to rank as one of the worst ordeals. When Coach got his teeth knocked out by ball that took a bad bounce when he was playing catch with Reg a few hours before Lad's graduation, um that sucked. Pain, lack of chewing, and then a $10K price tag.

I will forever remember Delilah dragging her foot along through the parking lot with a messed up shoe as I playfully berated her for sucking as my assistant. Not sure what made walking worse: the lack of strap on the flip flop that now only flopped, or the laughing fit she was having. Good times.

Kara - Wow! Your mom and my mom WERE opposites. How funny is that? You and your sisters had some serious long hair.

This reminds me of the unbelievable story I must soon share about Curly's hair - I can't believe I haven't told it just yet. It is a doosie. Maybe I am hesitant because it screams: BAD MOM.

I am all for the kids choosing their hair styles. My folks were really controlling in general, but the hair thing was downright mean. People always thought I was a boy.

Bibliomama said...

Man, the memories of hair resentment growing up. My thing was that my mom tried not to let me wash mine every day because she thought it was better not to. I have greasy fucking hair, MOM, it needs to be washed every day.
The implants story reminds me of reading a tweet about someone saying how sad they were that someone they knew transitioned and I was getting angry because I thought they meant the person was transgender and then I realized they freaking DIED. Could we just not use confusing euphemisms for death, maybe?

Charlie said...

I thought you were talking boob implants and I’ve only just had a dental implant, so it should have come to mind!! In fact I’ve recently had half a dental implant as the dentists closed before I could get the actual tooth part done. I’ve just got the screw bit!! I’m so sorry that Delilah’s failed, that’s a real shame.

The 80 canvas is a great idea. I think I may borrow it - so thanks!

Nicole said...

Allison, I have never heard anyone use "transition" for "death" before and omg, that would be a disturbing conversation to have. As for the implants, a friend of mine had a dental implant as well and we used to joke about her "implants."

Beth Cotell said...

LOVE that present for your dad! What was your dad's response? And your sister's response??

Kari Wagner Hoban said...

I love that 80 posterboard idea! With the words? That is such a great idea. I might use that down the road for any fun milestone birthdays.

Hair.....oh friend, I know it. Growing it out now is LOTS of fun. I don't know why but once it reaches a certain length, my hair is HORRIFIC. So I will say a prayer for your hair and mine.

I immediately thought Delilah got new boobies too. What a time to get new boobs and no one to show them off to. Teeth too. Sigh.

Ernie said...

Ali - OMG yes - hair resentment. Not letting you wash your hair, yikes. That transition story, why the confusion is right. Let's be direct about death not mysterious.

Charlie - Chewing with 'just the screw bit' sounds uncomfortable. Hope you get the rest of your tooth soon. Thanks, it was a moment of clarity. I was like: YES, this will be just the thing. There is a website that creates a picture of something with all of the words you insert. That would have been really cool. I had the perfect photo of him, but then it emphasized the wrong things and some words were so tiny they were hard to read. If I knew more about how to arrange it or insist on certain sizes of words and such it might have been amazing, But this was perfect. Oh, one of the words it emphasized and made super big: EARS. Um, yeah my dad has stick out ears and it is something we joke about but NOT something I wanted to highlight on his b-day gift. Ha.

Nicole - Glad my mind isn't the only one that went 'there.' :)

Beth - My dad liked it. He read it over a bit while we were congregating on the driveway and chuckled over some of the memories/phrases. As for Ann? No idea what she thought. I managed to chat with a neighbor woman whose daughters went to high school with Lad and Ed, so I wasn't in the 'mix' as distant as it was - with my family members. I was sort of positioned at the end of the driveway. My mom's sister ordered my Dad's favorite pizza and the rest of the family were eating pizza on chairs spread very far apart across the driveway. I can't eat pizza anyway. I also forgot my coat and the temp dropped like 20 degrees, so when I was done talking to the neighbor I called to my dad to check out our gift that was already in his garage and then we left. When I talked to Mom on Mother's Day she said they really got a kick out of the gift. I think it was the right amount of energy, creativity and tailored to memories that my kids and I specifically have of him which to me was better than having him leaf though a bunch of photos he most likely already has copies of. :) I saw my dad look through the photo book, but because of the distance-thing I didn't look at it personally. We were not the first people to leave either, so I felt we put in sufficient amount of time. All the boxes checked.

Ernie said...

Kari - I always want long hair and I always wimp out and get it cut because I struggle to have long hair while dealing with the thin factor. Honestly right now if I work at it, it looks decent. I am not minding this chance to see if I can have it long-for-me. I love how the gift came together. Specific memories from my kids, etc. made it personal from us. The implant thing had my chin drop. I was like 'huh?' Till she said dentist. Feel so bad about her mouth ordeal. Ugh.