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November 20, 2019

worst childhood-ending statement EVER

(FYI - this happened last spring, because Curly is now in 6th grade.  Found this in my drafts.  Not sure why I never posted it). 

Later that evening after I shared the facts of life with Curly, I was cutting the boys’ hair.  I told Eddie during his trim that I had given Curly ‘the talk.’  He groaned a little -  we all felt bad about ending her innocence.  

By the way, she told me that no one had shared any details about the facts of life with her prior to our chat.  I was glad that she hadn’t heard a sneak preview from anyone in advance - unlike my 5th grade end-of-innocence-afternoon, where my friend described ‘it’ in the most horrific of ways.  

Ed is now old enough for me to ask a question that I have always wondered . . . What exactly did Daddy tell him?  I often suspected that Coach had glossed over many aspects and just covered the male’s role in the whole ordeal.  Did my boys know what a period was?  Were they well versed in various situations that they need to be sensitive to?  Like, if a teenage girl says she is not interested in going swimming, leave it alone.  Do not push it.  If a pad falls out of a girl’s purse or backpack, would my boys ask what the heck that was?

Well, that last question was already answered by Mini.  In 7th grade I urged her to carry supplies to school to be prepared for her first period.  One day in the hallway her backpack fell and some things spilled out on the floor.  Tank was in 8th grade at the time.  He stopped to help her.  Imagine her horror when he held up a pad and hollered, ‘What’s this?’  Mini was mortified.  Her own brother!

Ed circa 5th grade - around
 the time his father's
'Well, that's what your
 mother and I did' comment
disgusted him and ended
 his innocent boyhood. 
 
Anyway, I asked Ed if he remembered the talk Daddy gave him.  Oh, yeah.  Did he ever.  There was one statement Coach made that was burned into Ed’s mind.  Ed was being slightly dramatic, but he said it ruined his childhood. 

5th grade Ed and Coach were sitting side by side on the basement couch.  Facing the same way, so not looking at each other.  Coach told him the main birds and bees story.  Then he followed it up with a childhood-ruining sentence:  ‘So, that’s what your mother and I did.’  

Well, Ed’s haircut was temporarily stalled as I doubled over trying to control my laughing.  We were on the front porch and this haircut had already gone on too long.  Ed has chosen to go with a bushy hairdo of late.  He has declined my typical buzz cut/short cropped style the last few months.  His hair is quite curly.  Let’s just say that he redefines growing hair ‘out’.  His hair is like a thick mop.
The glory days when cutting
 hair was a cinch with the clippers.

Mowing thru the boys’ hair with clippers is simple and straightforward.  Trimming Ed’s hair with a scissors was tough.  It was hard to track where I began and where I left off.  We were losing light and I had to keep making him rotate on the stool so that I could see the other side of him.  
Ed with longer hair, that took more
 time to cut.  How else do you
 post photos of the birds and
the bees talk?

Now I was lost in laughter and had no idea what areas of his mop I still needed to cut.  Coach appeared on the front porch exasperated that I was taking so long to cut Ed’s hair.  Tank was my final customer, and he was pacing around in the house growing impatient and making everyone miserable.  Shock.

Coach, the culprit of issuing childhood-ending statements, standing on the porch looking irritated only made me laugh harder.  Ed just sat there shaking his head.  He whispered:   Who wants to hear that?  It was awful.’  

Haircuts are not always my favorite activity, but this one will go down as gut-splitting and memorable.  


10 comments:

  1. I can never decide whether to come down on the side of preserving the convenient fiction that parents never have sex, or the side of enjoyable torturing the children with the knowledge that parents do have sex. When i gave Eve the talk she said "I am more disgusted than I have ever been in my life. I'm going to go away and try to forget all of that - if I ask again, don't tell me." Well okay then.

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    1. It can create some awkwardness for sure! My mom stayed at the house of fammily friends when the mom went into labor. I usually babysat for them, but I was a high school student. They needed an adult to stay with the other kiddies while they were at the hospital. The daughter, who was like in about kindergarten, asked my mom why she was sleeping in her room and not in her mom's bed with her dad. Out of the mouth of babes!

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  2. "So that's what your mother and I did." I'm dying!! I can't stop laughing!

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    1. Can you EVEN imagine. We just had Coach's siblings over Saturday night and the 'talk' topic came up. I told this story and his siblings and Coach were like, yeah - he probably didn't say THAT. That is just what Eddie heard.

      Um, no. If my kid says his awkward father said those words, and it scarred him for life - then he said those words. I wanted to ask - 'were none of you at Coach's youngest brother's wedding when Coach gave an incredibly awkward best man speech?' I cringe to think of it. Yes, this for sure happened. Besides - Ed could not have made that up if he wanted to. Can you tell it irritates me that Coach's siblings decided to put their own twist on things until the ending of the situation sits well with them. I am crazy about these two siblings in particular (the other two live out of state, and we will leave it at that), but I was like 'COME ON!!!'

      I am laughing with you, Beth.

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  3. I'm not being dramatic when I say that this line right here: ‘So, that’s what your mother and I did.’,
    made my head involuntarily throw back and a huge laugh escaped my throat. OMG!! That is priceless!!!
    Talk about traumatizing our kids. :)

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    1. Me too!!! Hahahaha!!

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    2. How about it?! I am telling you that it was a total struggle to finish cutting Eddie's hair because I could not stand upright. Bent over laughing. When Coach came out on the porch to tell me to hurry up because my next 'customer' was waiting - it just made the laughing worse. Eddie just sat there with a weird grin on his face and I about died. Coach was like, 'What?!' I couldn't. Just couldn't!

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    3. and hello anonymous! Glad you shared in the laugh. I cannot believe Ed neglected to tell me that story until he was a senior in high school.

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  4. LOLOLOLOLOL that is too funny!

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    1. I thought my readers would enjoy this - despite the fact that Eddie DID NOT!!!!

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