May 19, 2019

said no wife ever

This post about our spring break is still totally relevant and awesome, but I kept pushing its post date back to accommodate pressing topics, like college decisions.

On the drive to Florida, I drove a stretch on the second day. Long drives might bother some people, and while at times it drove my sciatica crazy (literally a pain in the ass/down my legs to be specific), I embraced it. I was excited to read a book. To just sit. To nap. To edit my manuscript. To snack. I had an agenda here. Of course, at some point I knew I would also be expected to take a shift driving the car.

about as scenic as the drive got
I am a lousy long distance driver. I fall asleep so easily. In fact, I do not even consider myself a strong short distance driver. I used to explain it away by blaming Celiac disease. (Before I was diagnosed, I was just frustrated and clueless) Unable to absorb my nutrients, I was dog tired. ALL THE TIME. That issue has mostly been remedied with my gluten free diet (that I hate). So no idea why it is still SO VERY HARD for me to stay awake while driving.

Coach drove Thursday night when we left home. He drove for about 5 hours. It was beautiful. After sleeping less and less the closer the trip got because I had so many reminders constantly running thru my head, I napped almost instantly. I was so happy to wake up feeling human again.

The next day was Friday. I drove the first leg of the trip. No one was paying attention to the terrain that we were approaching. If we had been map reading, on-the-ball types, I would NOT have volunteered to do what turned out to be the dreaded mountain bit.

This is what my dining room looks
 like before we head out of town.
 No coke, but EVERYTHING else.
After exactly one hour behind the wheel, I started to nod off. Coach was exasperated with me. I, in case this is not clear, do not become sleepy intentionally! I asked for a few pieces of licorice and that helped me perk up. I am not a huge fan of caffeine, and while I plan a ton of meals and snacks for the trip - I rarely remember to pack Coke, because I don't keep it in the house. All this world needs is Tank on caffeine.

There I was driving along and the road started to get pretty damn steep. Coach morphed instantly into an old woman who decided that I was a 15 year old with my permit and could not handle the steep road. He kept yelling at me not to ride the breaks.

Well, what in the Hell do you suppose I do then? Ram into this dude's ass? I mean, I really didn't have many options. A car naturally speeds up when driving on a steep incline. Why is this even a conversation right now?! I was not happy. Neither was he. Most importantly though, he did not have a response for my very specific question: What should I do if you would like me to lay off the breaks? Hmm, I'm waiting. And while I wait we gather speed and prepare to crash. Crickets? OK then, brakes it is.' Honestly.

Other fun moments with my granny co-pilot included:

1. Reminders to not get a ticket. Obviously not my strong suit, but as luck would have it - I did not get ticketed.

2. Coach: 'You should not drive in this lane.' Me: Aren't you ready for a nap or something?

3. And then he argued that I should not check my email while I was driving, which I would normally agree with but we were stopped in bumper to bumper traffic thanks to construction. This tip from a man who insisted on searching for a hotel on his phone while he was driving like 80 down the expressway the night before.

We were mostly driving on level ground here.
 Coach was displeased that I took a pic while driving.
 I knew I would need something for this blog post
 - sorry I couldn't caputre the steeper part,
but there was some stress to contend with.
I managed to drive for 4 hours (and on the way home I even pulled off a 5 1/2 hour stretch- we had picked up some Coke by then and it did not just make me almost wet my pants but seemed to help me stay awake) that day. No problems unless you count marital strain.

I texted my friend Becky while I was safely back in the passenger seat (where I gave no pointers, and was only slightly irritated to be required to hold the GPS and alert him about the next set of instructions . When I drive I do both . . . drive and navigate and manage not to punch him in the nose). I described the 'helpful' hints Coach was giving me while I drove.

She texted back: 'Road trips with a husband are the best . . . said no wife ever!!!'

So true. Me: Keep your eyes on the road, Coach. No need to concern yourself with why I am splitting a gut over here in my comfy passenger seat.


Kari said...

OMG I am laughing so hard.
Give your husband a Benadryl next road trip and have your oldest sit in front with you in case you fall asleep at the wheel.

We are leaving for Florida tomorrow but this year we are flying. Long story, but you can read all about our 2018 spring break road trip on the blog.

Let's just say that I hate Alabama.
As well as parts of Tennessee.
And Kentucky.

Ernie said...

I have not read your vacation post yet, but I plan to . . . I have a few major things happening all at once over here in Why-all-at-once-land, so I am behind on my reading (and house work, and just about everything else). It looks like this was a good time to get out of dodge, because those of us still sticking around in town are contemplating combining our efforts and building an ARK. TOO MUCH RAIN TO DEAL WITH! Have a great vacation! Now that school is getting out, maybe we can meet up!