Coach had plans to take our three boys to Florida to visit his parents for a few days. I was too pregnant to travel. Darn. OK, that part was by design. Anything to avoid spending time with his folks. Mini was about 20 months old and she was staying home with me.
Coach's trip interfered with the wake and the funeral. His getaway had been planned for a few months. He still went. Did I mention how enormously pregnant I was? I thought he should cancel the trip. My mom insisted that it might be easier for me with the three boys out of town. It was going to be a rough weekend. They were 3, 5, and 7. Still. It was a very emotional weekend. I was pregnant and my husband was on vacation.
To give you an idea of what my father-in-law is like. I called the Florida house after the funeral. This was before cell phones acted as life-savers helping to avoid contact with morons who were not the intended phone call recipients. Coach's dad answered the phone. 'Oh, he tried to call you a little bit ago. He wondered where you were.' Wow. Really?
'I was burying my cousin,' I hissed into Mr. Sensitive's ear before I abruptly hung up. Not even so much as a 'sorry for your loss,' just the standard: 'Just down here grilling. Enjoying the boys. Coach tried to call . . . ' PUKE!
|Thank you Amazon for the image of the cover |
of this book. Of course he took the book back,
so I cannot snap a photo of my own personal copy.
Oh. Has your patient EVER met me? Does he know that my cousin just died? Suddenly? Does he know that I am pregnant with your 5th child? I tried to see the humor in the book. I flipped thru a few repulsive pages. This was not meant as a humor book. This was a real-deal book. She wrote about how to prepare dinner and hurry up and get some make-up on before the hubby walked in the door. There was an entire chapter offering instructions on how to have an orgasm. WHAT THE F???
I read a short excerpt from that book right there in front of the tree while our four little guys played with their toys. 'I am going to copy a few pages from this orgasm chapter and send it to your mother, so she knows what you got me for Christmas,' I whispered calmly. Too calmly. Coach's face fell. Uh oh. I was about to blow. In more ways than one. I had to put cold wash cloths on my face to hide the fact that I was crying before we went to my parent's house.
The receipt gave me more ammo. He had purchased the book while he was in Florida. He could have left the boys with his mother and gone shopping, like FOR REAL. Instead, he ran to the nearest book store and bought this piece of shit book. He admitted that he had never even opened it up - never read one page of it to see if it was actually funny, or just plain RIDICULOUS! All this 'gift-buying' while I was home grieving the loss of a dear cousin. There are no words. Well, maybe 'thoughtless.'
And that, my friends, is why my husband is simply NOT ALLOWED to purchase gifts for me. I buy myself a few things and wrap them up and slap a label on them. The alternative is too risky! Do you have a horrible gift that you were stunned to open? Do tell.