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January 9, 2019

Why Coach is NEVER allowed to purchase a gift for me.

Let me set the scene:  Christmas 2005.  Reggie was due mid-January.  My cousin was killed in a car accident on Dec. 10th.  She was a month shy of celebrating her 36th birthday.  She had 3 young children and an ex-husband who was a lunatic.  Literally.  We were devastated. 

Coach had plans to take our three boys to Florida to visit his parents for a few days.  I was too pregnant to travel.  Darn.  OK, that part was by design.  Anything to avoid spending time with his folks.  Mini was about 20 months old and she was staying home with me. 

Coach's trip interfered with the wake and the funeral.  His getaway had been planned for a few months.  He still went.  Did I mention how enormously pregnant I was?  I thought he should cancel the trip.  My mom insisted that it might be easier for me with the three boys out of town.  It was going to be a rough weekend.  They were 3, 5, and 7.  Still.  It was a very emotional weekend.  I was pregnant and my husband was on vacation. 

To give you an idea of what my father-in-law is like.  I called the Florida house after the funeral.  This was before cell phones acted as life-savers helping to avoid contact with morons who were not the intended phone call recipients.  Coach's dad answered the phone.  'Oh, he tried to call you a little bit ago.  He wondered where you were.'  Wow.  Really? 

'I was burying my cousin,' I hissed into Mr. Sensitive's ear before I abruptly hung up.   Not even so much as a 'sorry for your loss,' just the standard:  'Just down here grilling.  Enjoying the boys.  Coach tried to call . . . '  PUKE!

Thank you Amazon for the image of the cover
of this book.  Of course he took the book back,
so I cannot snap a photo of my own personal copy.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks to a very emotional Christmas.  Coach handed me my gift.  It was a book:  'Happy Housewives:  I was a Whining, Miserable, Desperate Housewife - But I Changed and You Can Too!'   He sat there with a smirk on his face.  Then he acted like Lucy when she had lots of 'esplaining' to do.  'Oh, it's a funny book.  One of my patients thought you would like it.'

Oh.  Has your patient EVER met me?  Does he know that my cousin just died?  Suddenly?  Does he know that I am pregnant with your 5th child?  I tried to see the humor in the book.  I flipped thru a few repulsive pages.  This was not meant as a humor book.  This was a real-deal book.  She wrote about how to prepare dinner and hurry up and get some make-up on before the hubby walked in the door.  There was an entire chapter offering instructions on how to have an orgasm.  WHAT THE F???

I read a short excerpt from that book right there in front of the tree while our four little guys played with their toys.  'I am going to copy a few pages from this orgasm chapter and send it to your mother, so she knows what you got me for Christmas,' I whispered calmly.  Too calmly.  Coach's face fell.  Uh oh.  I was about to blow.  In more ways than one.  I had to put cold wash cloths on my face to hide the fact that I was crying before we went to my parent's house. 

The receipt gave me more ammo.  He had purchased the book while he was in Florida.  He could have left the boys with his mother and gone shopping, like FOR REAL.  Instead, he ran to the nearest book store and bought this piece of shit book.  He admitted that he had never even opened it up - never read one page of it to see if it was actually funny, or just plain RIDICULOUS!  All this 'gift-buying' while I was home grieving the loss of a dear cousin.  There are no words.  Well, maybe 'thoughtless.' 

And that, my friends, is why my husband is simply NOT ALLOWED to purchase gifts for me.  I buy myself a few things and wrap them up and slap a label on them.  The alternative is too risky!  Do you have a horrible gift that you were stunned to open?  Do tell. 


4 comments:

  1. My husband and I agreed very early on in our marriage that we wouldn't exchange gifts with each other. It has made things much simpler. We only exchange cards on the big holidays and my only requirement is that they are Hallmark. And he would have known never to give me that gift - even as a joke. That book sounds horrible and I almost bet his mom picked that up for you (without realizing their was a chapter on orgasms of course).

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  2. I grew up with my dad surprising my mom most Christmases with jewelry. Like the real deal. We realized later that she was with him when he went to the jeweler to pick it out, but she always acted surprised. He would often wait until after Mom’s family had left our house Christams night. It wasn’t always jewelry - but something she was excited about. I am not much for jewelry - not much for accessorizing. I still would appreciate something with a little thought. When he agreed to go along with the new kitchen, I said I would never ask for anything again. I had already banned him from shopping. Something a little sentimental the weeks after my cousin was killed in an accident when I was about to give birth would have been appropriate. And no. Absolutely no chance that his mom picked up the book for him. You would have to no her. She doesn’t buy things for people. Ever. And when it comes to Christmas she probably would have been upset that he was getting me anything. ‘Jesus is the reason for the season.’ No joke. Not her style to celebrate Christmas that way. And yes - that book is as horrid as it sounds! Coach is not allowed to recommend resteraunts or vacation spots or anything, if it starts with ‘my patient said . . .’ It gets old.

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  3. Oh wow. That is so awful. I am so uncomfortable and angry for you, just reading the retelling! Sounds like you have come up with a MUCH better plan for gifting. This way you get what you want and he doesn't humiliate himself and upset you anymore!

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  4. Those were disappointing times - back when I expected him to buy me a gift that required some thought. He once told me that he barely got me anything because he preferred to surprise me with things 'just because' - not sure why he let those words fall out of his mouth, because that NEVER happened. Not once. I think it has a lot to do with how he was brought up - the inability to give someone something they will be excited about. Best gift he ever gave me . . . he surprised me and took the day off for my birthday. Tank was born Dec. 5th. My birthday is Dec. 30th. I was so incredibly tired, and was so excited to be able to chill out that day.

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