calling Jane Smith

In mid-May shortly after Lad returned from college, I finally raced up to Walmart and purchased a new phone for Lad and one for Ed.  Ed had been complaining for a while about his phone.  He claimed that he couldn't access data.  Since Lad's phone was not making or receiving calls, his phone - or lack thereof- won the prize for sucking more, but I agreed to replace both of their phones.

Of course a few weeks later Lad was once again without a phone.  Thanks to a night of drinking, he came home with only the back of the phone.  All things considered, I think he was lucky that his phone was the only thing he lost.

Weeks went by after the night of drinking and carelessness and my oldest son pestered the shit out of me to replace his phone.  I was in no hurry.  But as much as I wanted to make him feel the consequences of being irresponsible, it was starting to inconvenience me.  I could not get in touch with him.  Text messages like, 'Pick up your brother on your way home.'  Or, 'What time will you be home?'  Or, 'Where are you!?'  Were impossible to send to him.

Not only was I furious with him for losing a brand new phone, but I also do not enjoy spending time in our local Walmart.  The hit-or-miss luck I have experienced at the phone counter alone is enough to make me tense up when I just drive by the place.  Never-mind, the place always seems dirty and crawling with questionable characters.  (I sincerely hope you have a Walmart that you love, just not the case with me).

A few short years back when we decided to do away with our flip phones and join the 21st century by purchasing smart phones, Coach did some research and decided Walmart had the best deal.  Apparently aggravation is offered at no additional charge. 

Anyway, I finally agreed to hustle back to my least favorite store.  In order to have Lad on our plan, I had to be present to add him and to purchase his phone.  I informed him that he would be paying me back.  We get the kids a phone when they start high school, so Tank kept reminding me ever so subtly that it was time for his phone to be purchased, too.  I was in a hurry, so I drove separate from Lad and Tank.  We picked out phones for them, and I made sure the employee didn't need me anymore so that I could bolt.

My last three phones.
As much as I hate changing phones, I cannot understand how to use my current phone.  It constantly tells me I'm low on storage space.  Not possible!  I store photos on google photos (because someone else set that up for me, obviously) and I wouldn't know what to do with extra apps anyway, so I rarely install a new app.  I hope I can figure it out soon, because I can't check email on it.  Totally inconvenient. 

She said I could go.  She had all the info that she needed.  It irked me though that getting a new phone was on MY list of things to do, but I was dealing with time constraints.  I cringed to think I would need to go thru this painful process for myself again SOON.  I hesitated.  The next thing I knew, the girl was holding up two phones and asking which one I wanted.  I had no time to do any research.  I asked her what she thought.  My current phone was an old, malfunctioning Samsung.  I assumed I'd get another Samsung.  She steered me towards the LG.

Oh, brother.  I never knew how much I detested change until I had to change my damn phone.  This wasn't the first time, so I knew what a pain it was.  Almost 4 years ago, I shattered the screen of my first smart phone just a few weeks after I got it.  Coach and I were still new to the 21st century at that point.  No one told us that in addition to shelling out dough for smart phones, we needed to invest in phone cases.  As a result I dealt with my shattered smart phone screen for a year and a half before getting my Samsung.  I couldn't take the cracked phone out of my pocket in public without someone asking me what in the world had happened to it.  

My current Samsung, that I needed to replace, was starting to turn off ALL THE TIME . . . like every time I set it down or it got bumped.  This is a very inconvenient feature in a phone.  The battery wouldn't stay charged for long either.  Um, I am not a teenager.  I have plenty to keep me busy besides constantly surfing the web on my phone, so there really was no reason why the battery was dying.

The Bluetooth feature in the car was no longer functioning properly.  That made me nuts.  What good is Bluetooth is you have to dial the phone in the car every time you want to make a call?  Sort of defeats the purpose.  Each time I suggested that it call a name in my phone, it misunderstood and attempted to call the same name from my contacts, like Jane Smith.  Repeatedly.

It would say Jane Smith each time, even when the name I requested was Elvira Bukolt.  Then when I would suggest a different name it would say 'misrecognition.'  Misrecognition my ass.  Recognize this you damn smart-ass smart phone.  At first I showed off the malfuncutioning Bluetooth feature to the kids.  We chuckled at the number of times it would go back to the Jane Smith name.  Then it just got old.  The more aggravated I got, the calmer the Bluetooth computer voice seemed to be.  I wanted that damn voice to snap back at me, but it just continued to offer to call Jane Smith. 

It was time for a new phone.  That doesn't mean it was easy.  Then I ended up with a different brand, so the buttons are all weird and stuff.  Gosh, do I sound old?  Or what?  Do people really get excited to replace their phones?  Is there anyone out there who held out getting a smart phone longer than me (like later than 2013)?

I bet Jane Smith did.